4 January 2016

Inner Confidence, Part I: Know What You Want

by u/champagnehouse

Today’s inspiration: “Dreamworld” by Robin Thicke

In “The Secret,” one of the talking heads describes having a vision board of all the things he wanted in his life. One thing on his vision board was a beautiful house in southern California. He went through all of his visualization at the time, moved, and forgot about it.

One day, when he was moving into his new house, his son found the old vision board. In it, the man saw that he had actually moved into his dream home - literally the same exact one - without knowing it.

The lesson?

Specificity. Before you can move one iota from where you are, you have to know where you want to go.

Deciding What It Is That You Want

If you do not see great riches in your imagination, you will never see them in your bank balance.

-Napoleon Hill, “Think and Grow Rich”

It all starts with a seed.

If you want a tree, you have to get the right species of seed, plant it, and care for it. In this section, we talk about finding the right species of seed. You’re not going to grow a rose with a sunflower seed, yet guys keep trying this over and over again and wondering why they don’t have results.

Or try another metaphor: the GPS. Your GPS is nice, but it’s a lot easier to use and a lot more precise if you give it specific directions on where to end up.

That’s what today’s work is based on: getting very specific about what it is that you want, learning what it is you need to work on, and identifying action steps to get you there.

Who Do You Want to Attract? The Cory Skyy Exercise

I learned this exercise from Cory Skyy, and it’s perfect for this stage of the game.

STEP ONE:

Write down a list of what you want in a significant other, in detail. Hold nothing back here. I want you to describe your PERFECT 10. The “unicorn.” Someone you don’t think could possibly ever exist. Every detail is perfectly how you want it. Don’t hold back. Just have fun and write down what you most enjoy.

You don’t have to write these down like a checklist, but here’s a demonstration of how detailed you can get:

Physical:

What do they look like?
Does she have big boobs? Does he have ripped abs?
Do they have a great ass, and if so, how do you define a “great ass”?
What color is their hair?
How long is their hair?
What does their hair feel like?
What color is their eyes?
Are they tall or short?
Are they fit and lean or curvy?
What does their voice sound like?
What does their smile look like?
What kinds of clothes do they wear?

Personality and Things in Common:

Are they fun and outgoing?
Are they shy and reserved?
What do they like to do with their time?
Are they well-mannered and proper? Are they laid back and chill?
Do they make education and intellect a priority?
How do they interact with your friends and family?
Do they play video games?
Do they play sports?
Do they like the same TV shows? Do they even watch TV?
Do they love the outdoors? Are they a homebody?
Are they into physical fitness or are they naturally fit?
Do they smile a lot?
Are they funny? Are they quirky? Are they deadpan?
Are they a more “masculine” or “feminine” type of woman or guy?
What’s on their Instagram? Their Facebook? What kinds of things do they Tweet?
How do they interact with strangers?
Do they like dogs? Do they like cats? Neither?

Other:

Do they have a lot of money?
What kind of car do they drive?
What kind of home do they have?
What does the inside of their home look like?
Do they have a great career? What kind?
Do they want kids and a family?
Do they want to get married or do they want to keep it casual?
Do they drink? How often?
What’s their stance on drugs?
What are their politics?
What religion, if any, do they have?

Again, write down only the ones that are more important to you. You’re choosing your perfect 10 here, not me or my questions. Skip some if you like, add others if you plese.

An aside: If you read through all of those questions, you’ll likely notice something interesting going on. As you imagine every quality, as you visualize every question, you start to feel as though you’re already experiencing it. I’m guessing for a little while at least, all of your cares and worries about the opposite sex have vanished while you sit there blissfully daydreaming about a great life. That’s not an accident.

STEP TWO: TURN THE MIRROR AROUND

Now that you have a list of qualities that you honestly desire out of your “perfect 10,” turn the questions on yourself.

Go down the checklist, one by one, and ask yourself if YOU have those same qualities. Write down the areas in which you need the most work to become just like your perfect ten. (Obviously, you don’t have to dye your hair or change your eye color: only look for things you can change.)

Voila. You now know two very important things: exactly who you want and exactly what you’ll work on to attract them.

Why is this important?

Because attracting people isn’t like how magnets work. When it comes to inner confidence and the law of attraction, like attracts like.

Ask yourself how many times you’ve seen a fat slob with a really fit girl. Can it be done? Sure. Is it much easier if you’re fit yourself? Yes. And if you can’t muster motivation to get fit, how important is it to you really that your partner be a fitness model?

Figure it out. Get specific.

Visualize Your Life / Your Perfect Day

Let’s say you’re not really looking for one big relationship but are looking more for a kind of lifestyle.

Apply the same exact technique. Try to picture what “every day” would look like under your most ideal lifestyle and think it out in detail. Here are a few prompts to help you along the way:

Money

What is your job like? How do you earn money?
How much money is in your bank account?
How much money do you earn?
What is your house like? What kinds of rooms does it have?
What are your favorite gadgets?
How much money do you give to charity?
Do you travel the world? Where do you go?
What kind of car do you drive? What features does the car have?

Social and Lifestyle

What kinds of friends do you have?
What kinds of parties are you invited to? What kinds of parties do you throw?
What’s it like when you chill out at home?
How often do potential romantic partners text you?
How often do potential romantic partners hit you up on Facebook?
How do you wake up in the morning? What kind of bed do you have? What kind of alarm?
When you go out, what happens?
When you go about your errands, do you meet people? Do women approach you?
What kinds of experiences do you have?
How easy is it to meet members of the opposite sex?
What kinds of fun experiences do you have with them?

The sky is the limit here. The important things: specificity and detail. Ignore any of my prompts you didn’t like; add ones you do yo like. You want to know exactly what it is that you want.

Once again, knowing the difference between your current situation and your ideal lifestyle will show you exactly what you need to work on.

If you want to enjoy rock climbing, for example, you’re never going to do it unless you pick up the keys and head to the local rock climbing gym.

Basic Rules and Critical Steps

First, the rules:

Your dream should be motivating. So motivating that you don’t mind putting up with a little temporary pain to achieve it. So motivating that just thinking about having it gives you pleasure. This is why I want you to go for broke when it comes to what you want. Really think big.
Whether or not you think you can “do it” doesn’t really matter right now. People tend to overestimate what they can accomplish in the short term and underestimate what they can accomplish in the long term. You’re not looking for instant results here.
Don’t let doubts get in your way. Really let your kite fly high here.

Now, your first action steps towards inner confidence:

Get an empty notebook if you have one.
Complete the ideal lifestyle or ideal partner exercise above to learn exactly what it is you want - or you can complete them both. Or create your own exercise and write down what kind of person you want to be. Remember: this is about attracting exactly what you want here. You’re picking the menu. But after doing one or two of the above exercises, you should be able to pick out what it is that you want. Write everything down.
Write down a list of action steps that you can take right now to start putting yourself into alignment with this new reality. Want a raise? Google “How to get a raise” and write down the action steps. Action and thought will always go together. Want to attract a confident woman? Write down some confidence exercises you can try by going out today and doing anything from making eye contact with strangers to starting small conversations. You’re not just doing it to improve yourself, you’re doing it to put yourself into alignment with what you want to attract.

Inner Confidence Series