4 January 2016

Inner Confidence Series: Introduction

by u/champagnehouse

A Note

Thus far, just about everything you’ve seen on /r/GetSuave has counted on the material you’re going to read on this series.

But the material’s been missing.

It’s not because a concept as big as Inner Confidence isn’t relevant, or that I had to tell you cool things to buy first because those are more important.

On the contrary. Inner Confidence, the way you view the world - it’s 80% or more of the work you’ll have to do if you want to become a more complete and suave version of yourself. It’s the true inner confidence that separates “that guy is trying to be too cool for school” from “wow, that guy really has it.”

So why haven’t I addressed inner confidence yet?

Because it deserves a section all its own, and I wanted to get it right.

You’ve seen hints of it here and there. You’ve seen James Bond given as an example of affirmation and self-talk in how to handle rejection. And there is definitely an “outside-inside” connection when it comes to confidence, which is one of the reasons dressing like a suave person is also an important topic here.

But now it’s time for the real meat and potatoes: the inner work that changes your expectations, changes your paradigms, and helps you develop a better relationship with yourself and the world around you.

Introduction: The World is More Malleable Than You Think

Sometimes when you watch someone like Brent Smith talk about “attracting” things and how affirmations changed his life, part of you is skeptical. Maybe you’ve tried affirmations or visualization before, you half-ass it, you wait a few weeks, and you go “well, this isn’t really working. I knew it was a bunch of new age nonsense.”

But sometimes, you have the opposite experience. Sometimes you have an experience where you’ve affirmed something or visualized something and that exact thing comes to you more effortlessly than you could have imagined, and it comes to you exactly in the way you pictured it. You could accept them as a coincidence, of course, but part of you now knows that the way you view things does, in fact, change the reality you experience on some level. Sometimes you have an experience that’s so inexplicable that it makes you wonder just how much power your inner self really has.

I remember one of mine.

I had a series of affirmations and visualizations, and one of them was that when I went out to a bar or a club and danced, that women would instantly start coming up to dance with me. I had a very clear and vivid picture of it in my mind already.

It was a bit of a stretch. I’d been to a ton of bars and clubs before, and most of the time, it seemed like I was the one on the outside trying to join other peoples’ parties.

You can probably guess the rest of the story from here. After some weeks spent not going out, I finally had a chance. I was out with a few friends, enjoying life, and somehow forgot all about the affirmations and focused on having a fun time.

At one point, I was dancing, minding my own business…when an entire bachelorette party I hadn’t even seen came out of nowhere and started dancing around me like I was a celebrity or something. They even approached me and started talking to me.

In fact, there’s something I literally realized just now: that wasn’t the only affirmation that came true that night. One affirmation I had was that when I was out, people bought me drinks. At another bar that night, I joked around with a guy, discovered he was the owner of the bar, and guess what? He enjoyed our conversation enough to gave me a drink on the house.

The entire event was so out of my reality at the time and so very much like my affirmations and visualizations that I almost couldn’t believe it. I had pictured what I wanted, something that up until that point just seemed like something out of a beer commercial that no man actually experiences, and then I experienced it in reality the very next time I went out.

I’m not saying that this is what will happen to you. Your mileage may vary. You may do worse than that, you may do better than that. It may take you longer to see results, it may take you shorter.

I’m also not saying that you’re controlling other people using the force. But people will treat you differently based on how you view yourself. After doing the inner work, I probably walked, talked, and danced like a guy who would be fun to approach. Before doing the inner work? A guy who was trying to enter other peoples’ parties.

What I’m saying is, the answer to success really lies with you and what you believe is possible.

And that’s the rub. It’s all about what you believe. If you look at the methods contained herein and say “visualization and affirmation…pshh…I want more tips on what to say…give me the lines, man!” then your experience is going to reflect what you tell yourself. And certainly there are plenty of people with amazing lives that don’t use affirmations or visualization or the other tools presented here and have a completely different set of beliefs from you.

But there are all sorts of different ways to change your beliefs.

When I first started going out, the idea of possibly having a woman give me her phone number was absolutely absurd.

Until it happened once. Then suddenly I knew it was possible, and it started happening all the time.

I didn’t think it was possible for me to make out with a woman I had met only recently. I thought it would take years of effort and discipline. Then it happened once, and suddenly I knew that any time I went out, it was a possibility.

I didn’t think it was possible to give out my number and have women text me…okay, actually, by that time, I knew it was possible, so it started working right away. But you get the point.

I’m not saying I’m a glorious master charismatic ninja valentine warrior and that I can attract women by looking at them. I still have a buttload of struggles and inconsistencies I need to work on. I don’t claim to be an inner confidence guru. I’m writing this series for myself as much as I’m writing it for you guys.

But I have had enough experiences with inner confidence, affirmations, visualizations, and more, to know that they have astounding potential for every guy who feels clueless about what to do next. I know they’re a tremendously powerful tool for feeling like you have something right now, in this moment. I do know that the brain itself is a strange and wonderful thing - so mysterious that I only now made the connection that a bar owner had bought me a drink that very same night I was talking about. It’s the most powerful tool you have, and you shouldn’t ignore it.

There’s a reason I talk about “being normal” and to stop putting up imaginary boundaries and not worry so much about what to say. It’s because when you have strong inner confidence, things will come to you just as naturally as being awkward once did.

Everything about being suave starts in your head.

It’s time to start using it.

This is just an introduction and a preview of what’s to come in the following days and weeks. For the new year, I plan to dig deeper into the exact methods and techniques you can use to change your view of the world. But for now, here are some concepts I want you to keep fresh:

Your mind shapes your experiences. You don’t have to believe in the Law of Attraction. But you do have to recognize that the conditions of your mind are the conditions of your reality. It’s your interpretation of reality that forms your experiences, that makes a rejection feel funny or feel bad, that erases some parts from your memory because you don’t view them as important. The mind is far more powerful than you think. You might think that your experiences and memories are simple, that your consciousness in the present moment is a full and complete representation of reality. It isn’t. The reason James Bond doesn’t take a rejection hard and you do isn’t because he’s James Bond, it’s because he instantly interprets the rejection in a way that makes it something to smile about. You do not have to be a special individual to have this same kind of capacity. You simply have to know that you have that power already, and then make the choice to live it.
Inner and outer are related. Try smiling for five minutes. You will literally be happier. There is a mind-body connection and a mind-experience connection. Yes, the mind is immensely powerful and can choose its own interpretation of events. But the work your do in the outer world matters too, and in fact can be seen as a tool to change your self-perception. They say it’s hardest to make your first million. One reason is that you have more resources to make another million after you’ve become a millionaire. But I suspect another reason is that when you see a million dollars in the bank account, your subconscious mind says “oh, I’m rich. I’m going to do rich people things now.”
Your subconscious mind doesn’t “think,” it just responds to thought and experience. Your subconscious mind is responsible for behaviors, memories, emotions, and so many things that seem out of our control. But there’s good news: it listens to your command. If you smile long enough, your subconscious mind thinks, “oh, I’m smiling. I must be happy.” This is a well-known effect. You’ll find that this effect extends to…well, just about anything you can possibly experience. Stand up straight and speak with a confident tone around a new group of people, and guess what your subconscious will start to assume? Now you’re starting to get it. Use this force only for good. If you get embarrassed and tell yourself “I suck,” then your subconscious mind will go “hey, I suck. I better start behaving like I suck.” Think of the subconscious mind like the powerful horse you have by the reins. It will go anywhere you lead it - but you do have to lead it.
You already have a filter in place. As Brent Smith likes to say, “you already have a story you’re telling yourself.” You already filter out your experiences by what you expect to see. It’s well-known for people who buy new cars to suddenly see their same car everywhere. It’s not that they’re changing the world around them; they’re just noticing information that was previously filtered out by their brains. I’ve talked to countless guys who have lots to be confident about. When I tell them they have something to be confident about, guess what the first words out of their mouth are? “Yeah, but.” They are making reality conform to their inner beliefs. You already do this. This series is about knowing the mechanisms through which you do this and merely changing the input.

Are you ready to accept that all of the success you’ve wanted is achievable, and the fact that you don’t have it might solely be as the result of bad thinking habits? That your brain has more influence over the reality you experience than you ever imagined?

That women will approach you, that people will buy you drinks, that a fun and awesome social life can be effortless?

That maybe pickup lines and fancy techniques designed to circumvent your own fears and doubts were never the point?

Good.

Then come with me.