The Newb's Reference Guide to Common Alcoholic Beverages

Vodka martini. Shaken, not stirred.

Why is the quintessential James Bond booze order so famous?

It’s because it’s an order that suggests James Bond knows his way around the bar. He’s ordering a vodka martini, which means he’s not in the mood for gin. He’s ordering it “shaken, not stirred,” not only because martinis are typically stirred, but because vodka is largely flavorless and therefore better served extra-cold. Or maybe he’s just an ice cold motherfucker who wants an extra cold martini.

I was once in a bar with a friend who ordered a “vodka neat,” thinking that simply because he knew the term “neat,” he was being cool. The bartender just stared at him with a look that said, “really?” Now in objective reality, a vodka neat isn’t all that different from a vodka martini - it’s just warmer with no vermouth - but my friend’s drink order only served to say, in no uncertain terms, “I know absolutely nothing about distilled spirits.”

I don’t really care what you like, but when you’re in a bar or a restaurant, you should have two things: 1) Knowledge about what you enjoy and 2) situational awareness. If you order the James Bond Special in a college dive bar, you’ll look foolish. Make a similarly ambitious order in an upscale hotel bar and the story changes a little bit.

The situational awareness might take a little bit of experience. But when it comes to knowledge about what you enjoy - and knowledge of alcohol beverages in general - that’s a little easier to figure out.

Beer

Made from grain (usually barley), yeast, hops

Beer goes back to ancient Egypt and beyond, and it’s grown a little bit complicated since then. Microbreweries have never been more popular, which means that there’s virtually no end to people messing with brewing style, ingredients, and the proportion of the essentials like hops.

You’ll hear the phrase “malt” a lot; it refers to malted grains, and yes, it’s related to “maltose,” a type of sugar. Generally, a “malty” beer will be fruity or sweet or even “toasty” while a “hoppy” beer will be, well, bitter. If you want to know more about gauging beer flavor and how beer is made, here’s a solid guide.

Lager

I like to think of Lager as the beer for beerfests, big German glasses, and a higher degree of consumption thanks to being lighter on the palette, often lighter in color (though not necessarily a universal rule), and “smoother,” or milder. If you see a huge glass of beer with a ton of “head” (snob for “foam”) it’s generally going to be a lager. If you see Bertilda busting her way down biergarten with two fists full of giant beer glasses, you’re drinking lager. It’s often meant to be consumed cold because there’s not much flavor to lose, so why the hell not? Beer snobs tend to look down on a lot of lagers, particularly the brand-name pale lagers Americans love to drink, but if being a beer snob is more important to you than having a fun time, I say your priorities aren’t straight.

• Pale lager includes American Lager is a pale lager that’s highly popular because it’s the category in which you’ll find the likes of Budweiser, Miller/Coors, and Pabst. You’ll see the phrase “American adjunct lager” as well, which usually refers to lagers made with other “stuff” like rice. Pilsner also falls in this category, and although the name officially refers to more European-style light lagers, you’ll see it used interchangeably with “American Lager” here in the states.
• European Lager includes the large categories of German lager, Vienna Lager, and Darklager, also known by the fun German name of Schwarzbier in its truly black form. Vienna lager is a little darker than what Americans are used to, and may even be a little sweet or “toasted,” with more flavor coming from the malt. European style lager is the kind of beer you’ll see served at Oktoberfest.

Ale

Ales tend to be darker, heavier beers, with a smaller head. They’re more substantial than refreshing, and in fact they’re often served at room temperature so you can better experience the flavor profiles, so they’re better for cold days. You’ll chug lager, but you’ll be expected not to chug ale.

There’s a higher degree of variance in ales, since the flavor profiles are richer, which leads to a lot more categories:

• Pale ale is a large category that includes American Pale Ale (APA), India Pale Ale (IPA) and Irish Red Ale. These are the beers that tend to fall in the “hoppy” category.
• Stout/porter are strong, darker beers: Guinness is, in fact, the brand name of an Irish dry stout. These beers started out as “porters” but the particularly strong ones were called “stout porters,” and now the terms are pretty much interchangeable. These tend to be high in alcohol content and, well, they’re called stout for a reason. Imperial stout or Russian Imperial Stout is an important category here, as are Irish dry stout and English porter. Adding oatmeal is fairly common to create, logically enough, an oatmeal stout.
• Belgian or French ale is essentially an entire category in and of itself: you’ll see Belgian IPAs, Belgian Blond Ale, Belgian Pale Ale, Belgian Dark Ale, etc. What about the process makes it “Belgian”? I honestly have no idea, but I do know that these tend to be the types of beers that are served in glasses, a la Stella Artois…which is actually a pilsner owned by Anheuser-Busch, but is probably the Belgian beer best known to Americans.
• Romulan ale is highly intoxicating and banned in the United Federation of Planets, so don’t even try.

Wine

Made from fermenting grapes, other fruits

A glass of wine is more alcoholic than a glass of standard beer (though beers vary), tastes a little more - and some people would consider this term an insult but I can’t think of a better one - “sour.” Most wine is categorized by the type of grape used, and since there are light and dark grapes, there are “white” and “red” wines, white wines generally served chilled and red wines at room temperature. Sound familiar?

Personally, I think “refined palettes” for wine contain high B.S. content (as theNew Yorker noted, wine judges in blind taste tests can’t tell France from New Jersey, and in fact some “experts” can’t tell red from white), but it’s always good to at least know the territory. There are a shitton varieties of grapes, so I’ll do my best to explain some of the most commonly used words so you know your way around wine.

Here’s a good “map” to work off of. And I like this guide to types of wine.

Red

France and Italy used to rule the red wine world with an iron fist, and…well, they still do, but Napa, California and Australia have made serious inroads as of late.

• Cabernet, or Cabernet Sauvignon, tends to be strong-flavored and “sharp,” and I consider it to be the quintessential red wine, but remember, I probably can’t actually tell.
• Merlot is easy to drink, which means it’s looked down upon by snobs who, for some reason, want their wine to be … difficult to drink? But it pairs well with just about everything.
• Pinot Noir is dark - Noir meaning “black,” the same root of “Film noir” - and if I had to pick a favorite, it would probably be this, but I can’t tell.
• Shirah or Syrah is supposed to peppery, spicey, and taste like wild black fruit.
• Zinfandel, also called “zin” by people who like to call pizza “‘za,” is a dark-skinned grape that can be used to make a dark red, but is particularly popular in the U.S. for reasons I’ll explain later.
• “Bordeaux” refers to grapes from Bordeaux, not necessarily the type of grape, but it’s worth knowing because you’ll hear “Bordeaux” as much as you hear about individual grape types.

White

• Chardonnay is what your suburban late-50s mother always orders at restaurants, which isn’t to say it’s bad. In fact it’s probably your go-to white wine.
• Sauvignon blanc is the other go-to white wine, pairing well with salads and light foods.
• Riesling is a German grape that’s often produced in the U.S. and is considered lighter than some of the other white wines.
• Pinot gris is the white-wine clone of Pinot noir and closely related to the Italian Pinot grigio, which is essentially the same thing. Pinot blanc is also a close relative.

Other wine

• Rosé is a blend of white and red wine, sometimes using red grapes in a white wine process, sometimes just by blending them.
• White Zinfandel is a Rosé made from Zinfandel that is wildly popular in the U.S. compared to its regular red cousin.
• Port wine is a “dessert” wine from Portugal that tends to be sweeter and is good for after the main meal.
• Sherry, coming from an Anglicization of the Spanish Xeres, is fortified, which means it’s combined with booze like brandy.
• Sparkling wine is the magical combination of wine and bubbles. Champagne, my namesake, is technically only true champagne if it’s also from Champagne, but I buy cheap “champagne” all the time and no one really cares about the difference because, hey, you’re drinking champagne! Prosecco is an Italian sparkling wine.

Now, onto the distilled spirits.

Vodka

Think of vodka as the most basic of alcoholic ingredients: it’s clear and mostly flavorless (aside from the obvious sting of alcohol). It’s very pure, essentially just water and ethanol, so really vodka is produced by a process of purification rather than from any particular ingredient, though grains and potatoes are common.

Appears in the following popular drinks:

• Vodka martini: Vodka + dry vermouth + olive garnish
• Vodka and tonic: Vodka + tonic water
• Screwdriver: Vodka + orance juice
• Black Russian: Vodka + Kahlua
• White Russian: Vodka + Kahlua + Cream or milk
• Bloody Mary: Vodka + tomato juice + lemon juice + Worcestershire + Tobasco + garnish
• Cosmopolitan: Vodka + triple sec + cranberry juice + lime juice

Gin

I often lump gin and vodka together because they’re so close: think of gin as vodka with aromatic herbs like juniper added. Like vodka, it is clear, but the flavor is obviously different as soon as you try it; you’ll taste the especially aromatic herbs. Gin is the essential ingredient in the classic martini. James Bond may order his with vodka, but if you want a little more flavor and aromatic kick, you’ll stick with the original. My favorite brand is Tanqueray, the choice of GetSuave flair star Tony Sinclair.

Appears in the following popular drinks:

• Martini: Gin + dry vermouth + olive garnish. Watch Alton Brown make one - but don’t make people a regular martini when they ask for vodka martinis.
• Gin and tonic: Gin + tonic water
• Gimlet: Gin + lime juice
• Gin fizz: Gin + lemon juice + sugar (Gomme syrup officially) + soda water. Use Old Tom Gin and you essentially have a Tom Collins

Whiskey

Whiskey is like the beer of hard liquor: it’s made from grains which can be malted, there are tons of versions of it from all over the world, and people have strong opinions of these different versions. It’s as essential as vodka, except for the fact that there are so many darn many types of it. Popular brands include Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Wild Turkey, Seagram’s, and Maker’s Mark.

Rye whiskey, the drink of Don Draper, from both American rye and Canadian rye whiskey, comes from at least 51%…ready for it? Rye, which is a grain not far from barley.

• Old fashioned: Rye whiskey + simple syrup or sugar cube + Angostura bitters + orange bitters
• Manhattan: Rye whiskey + sweet vermouth + Angostura bitters
• Seven and seven: Seagram’s Seven Crown whiskey + 7 Up

Scotch, or Scottish whiskey, comes in both single malt and blended malt, which means it’s made from, well, either one malt or multiple. A single malt will be more suited to a region’s individual flavor profile - for good or ill - and a blended scotch might not always be as fine as a single malt, but it does tend to be at least consistent. Personally I’m not refined enough to taste the difference, but it doesn’t hurt to know these differences when you encounter an enthusiast.

Scotch is often consumed by itself, but that doesn’t stop people from making famous cocktails from it. Scotch enthusiasts will yell at you for using single blends in a cocktail, so use a brand-name blended Scotch for cocktails.

• Rob Roy: Scotch + sweet vermouth + Angostura bitters
• Rusty Nail: Scotch + Drambuie

Bourbon, or bourbon whiskey, is made mostly from corn and either comes from Kentucky or New Orleans depending on who you ask. It’s the “American” whiskey, and tends to be sweeter than, say, rye whiskey.

• Whiskey sour: Bourbon + lemon juice + sugar
• Mint julep: Bourbon + mint leaves + powdered sugar + water

Rum

Rum is the quintessential spirit of the Carribbean (thanks to the sugar cane present there) as well as pirates (thanks to movies, books, and, well, the Carribbean). Thanks to the popularity of rum and coke, it’s definitely an essential bar booze to have handy, since you can make lots of unique drinks from it.

Rum has a lot of “grades,” ranging from light (or “white”) and spiced to gold and dark. You’ll generally encounter clear rums, clear flavored rums, and spiced rums in your local liquor store, and I think both are fine for rum and cokes. There do exist some especially fancy rums meant to be enjoyed like scotch but I’ve never personally tried them because I’m a peasant.

• Rum and coke: Rum + coke (lol)
• Daiquiri: White rum + lime juice + simple syrup (Watch Alton Brown make one)
• Mojito: White rum + lime juice + mint + sugar + soda water
• Piña colada: White rum + coconut milk + pineapple juice

Tequila

In my mind, Tequila, made from agave, is the “spring break” booze: it’s usually so nasty that you can only drink it highly mixed or with the assistance of citrus and salt. If you’re going to serve Tequila, do so responsibly and serve with moderation. I conveniently “run out” of Tequila if people are looking to do shots; I’d much rather serve margaritas.

• Margarita: Tequila + lime juice + simple syrup + orange liqueur + glass rimmed with salt
• Shots: If you must know

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