Live in Your Reality, Not Hers

Pop quiz: what single word is one of the most powerful you can say to a woman?

The answer: “Chocolatekittenpuppyvalentinemoney.”

Kidding.

The answer is actually: “No.”

There are a few reasons for this. For starters, it’s a word that exceptional women rarely hear. They’re used to guys saying “yes” to them by default, unthinkingly obliging their requests because they’re just that much more nervous about keeping an exceptional woman happy than they are an ordinary woman - or any man, for that matter.

But that’s not the point of today’s post. The real reason “no” is so powerful is because it’s a simple way of expressing that you’re your own man, with your own set of standards, listening to your own set of rules. And if you ever want your social poise to be more than just “he’s a nice and friendly guy” and venture into “he’s an attractive guy” territory, that edge may be exactly what you’ve been missing.

Examples of Men Who Live in Their Own World

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZqpweWv5_0

You might as well watch this scene muted, because the real point is the way Marlon Brando expresses himself: his face is always relaxed, his posture is straight (notice the high chest and shoulders leaning back), he doesn’t so much look at her as look right through her, he has an easy smile…everything he does is independent of her. No matter how she reacts to him, you get the sense that it wouldn’t matter - he’s in his own world and he’s totally in command of what he thinks about himself.

https://youtu.be/xfCbUFgKyoM?t=340

I always laughed at the scene where Indiana Jones, having flirted with Willie all night, gets attacked in his room and realizes that he needs to find a trap door of some kind. So he just bursts into her room and looks for it, ignoring the fact that she’s throwing herself at him. At any time, if he wanted to turn to her and kiss her, he could - and she would kiss back.

In any given situation, there are two types of people: the person acting and the person reacting.

Be the person acting.

https://youtu.be/hcLvYeG7zmQ?t=265

This is an odd one, but it’s still something to learn from. Danny DeVito’s admittedly drunk on The View, and at a certain point gets to describing his movie. He gets ahead of himself, eventually starting to reveal the whole plot, at which point Joy Behar tells him not to reveal everything to the audience. DeVito feels silly for making that mistake, but watch what happens when he feels bad.

He doesn’t…do…a…thing.

He just sits there, staring into nothingness. He’s completely retreated into his head. And the women of the view - three of them, no less, touch him, apologize, and try to make him feel better about the whole thing.

The point here isn’t to act like drunk Danny DeVito - loveable as he might be - but to see how women react when you live in your own world. They will apologize, touch you, hug you, talk to you, they will bend over backwards to have relevance in your world if you ever withdraw from them. But only if you’re not pretending, or doing it as a “trick.”

Principles

Women are, for all intents and purposes, empaths.

Remember space-babe Deanna Troi from Star Trek: TNG? She was the ship’s counselor, and as a half-Betazoid, she was slightly telepathic: she could sense emotions.

This always struck me as redundant.

All women, to varying degrees, are Deanna Trois. They will feel what you feel. Watch that Danny DeVito interview on the View again. Notice how quickly they come to the rescue when they see that he feels bad? They touch him, apologize, comfort him. They do that because they’ll feel bad, too, until he feels better. Because they’re essentially empaths.

We talk about body language here at /r/GetSuave, but don’t forget that body language is just as often a cause of how you feel as an effect. The most important thing around women is to feel authentic confidence, relaxation, and poise. After you have that, then you can start worrying more about “techniques” like body language.

You do this with an inward focus: you worry about how you feel about something. You allow yourself to feel your authentic emotions around women, because you know that if you feel authentic, they’ll feel it too. If you change your behavior, if you try to impress them, if you feel insecure…they’ll feel it too.

Have, and enforce, a set of personal standards.

You interact with the universe. You have the power to say “I accept this,” or “I won’t tolerate that.” You’re a sovereign individual, so use that power. Spend your time where you want to spend it, and if anyone is rude to you, or ignores you, tell yourself, “I’m not willing to let this into my reality. I’m going to go do something else now.”

Be willing to enforce these same standards with others. If a woman barks an order to you, say that powerful word, “no.” Tell her if she’s actually polite, you’ll think about it.

Be like Louis XIV of France, who, when asked about his feelings or presented with a request, would reply simply, “We shall see.”

In Louis’ France, everyone lived in the King’s reality, and not theirs.

As Nick Sparks said, don’t be the jester. Be the king.

But what about being generous and “giving to give”? Enforcing personal standards and charity are not mutually exclusive:

Living in your reality doesn’t have to be selfish.

Your reality is what you make it. You can choose to invite other people into that universe by being generous with your time and your energy.

In fact, you have to live in your own reality to make other people feel good. If you walk into a bar, are you trying to enter someone else’s reality or are you creating the party, right where you are, by deciding to have fun where you stand?

You can’t be generous unless you have something to give: your own value.

You can decide to have fun because you live in your reality, or you can be like the other guys at the bar, standing around, gawking at the alpha males and hot women having fun with the bartender. Don’t “hope” your reality into existence: will it into existence.

Fun, happiness, the strength of your reality: these are all decisions you can make.

Be a good guy, but don’t be a “nice” guy.

There’s a difference.

A good guy breaks off a relationship the instant he realizes it’s not going to work. A nice guy strings her along, afraid that he’ll upset her by dumping her.

A good guy doesn’t do things for women simply because he wants to look good in her eyes. A nice guy grants any favor hot women ask because he wants to stay in her good graces.

A good guy retains a strong sense of identity because he values himself. A nice guy bends over backwards and turns his life upside down in order to keep a woman.

A good guy “gives to give,” which means when he grants favors, he expects nothing in return. A nice guy always expects something in return, and is bitterly disappointed when he doesn’t receive it.

A good guy doesn’t keep bugging women who don’t choose him. A nice guy keeps bugging her because he thinks his princely behavior can win her over.

You cannot be a truly good guy unless you are also a strong guy. And that means having a strong sense of yourself, your standards, and who you want to be.

Find your chief definite purpose.

I can play guitar. Yeah, yeah, I know. Don’t be the douche at the party playing guitar. And I do avoid it if I can.

But you’d better believe me when I say that when I do have a chance to play guitar in a non show-off way, it’s like an attraction multiplier.

Why?

Let me answer that with a question:

What are you doing in life? What are your goals?

Women are attracted to ambitious men - many will tell you that they don’t mind if a man is poor so long as he has the drive and energy to succeed. Women will bet on you if they sense that you’re strong enough to push through obstacles and make your dreams into your reality.

You should have a chief definite purpose, a sense of ambition about you. When someone asks you “What are you doing with your life?” You should have a real answer.

David Deida of “The Way of the Superior Man” recommends spending at least one hour a day working on your main purpose. No procrastination, no rationalization. Real work. That way you build up your sense of purpose.

Not only does this sense of purpose make you more attractive to women, but your real accomplishments will demonstrate, without a shadow of a doubt, that you are a man of purpose who knows how to dedicate himself to a goal. If you can play a song, it means you put in the work to be able to play that song. You made something happen.

Make something happen for yourself. Find your purpose and work for it - today. You’ll expand your value and the power of your personal reality.

Takeaway Principles

• Live in your own reality. Keep the power to say “no.”
• Women are empaths; they can sense how strong your “reality” or “frame” is simply by virtue of being in your presence. There are no tricks here; you have to really build that confidence.
• You can’t “give to give” unless you live in a world of value and fun that you can share with others. Make the decision to enjoy social interactions and be the source of fun, not another stifled person watching from the sidelines.
• Once you’re the source of the party, you can be a little more like King Louis XIV, deciding what’s acceptable and what’s not. Be the king, not the jester.
• Don’t be a quote-unquote “nice guy.” Be a good guy.
• Set a chief definite goal, and work on it every day.