WTDW Going Out Alone

Inspiration: James Bond going out alone.

If being rejected is like exercising your confidence muscle, then going out alone is like hiring a personal trainer. Few things - except maybe jumping out of a plane - scare people more than the prospect of being caught at an event or social gathering completely alone.

The problem: some people don’t have any other option than to go out alone. Some just moved to new cities. Others have zero social circle and they don’t know what else to do to meet more people except to put one foot in front of the other until they see people. Or maybe you have a lot of friends who ditched you for the night, and it’s Friday, and you’ve been reading GetSuave and you don’t feel like playing another computer game and wondering when you’ll get your social life off the ground. No matter where you find yourself, chances are that at one point, you’ll need to learn how to enter new places and meet new people despite being all by yourself. It’s a critical life skill many people ignore simply because it’s tough the first few times.

But once you learn it, the world is your oyster.

When you have the skills to go out alone, you have an automatic abundance mentality booster built right in: even if your social circle ever falls to “zero,” you have the skills to go outside right now and make new friends and meet new people and have fun adventures. Think of it like being a wealthy person who can keep going bankrupt over an over again…only to simply start up the next company and get right back to where they were.

Few things will seem as challenging - or as rewarding - as the prospect of walking into a social gathering and feeling fully confident that you belong.

So how do you do it?

Principles

• It’s only weird if you make it weird. People are always looking to take their social cues from other people, so if someone says “are you here alone?” and you look dejected and say “yeah…” like someone caught with his hand on the last crescent roll, they’re going to feel weird. If, however, you say “Eh, guess my friends ditched me” or “Yeah, I’m meeting someone out,” the context changes.
• Get talking right away. The longer you hesitate before starting that first conversation, the more you’ll bury yourself in the “loner” mentality. It’s better to open up, even if it’s just to say “hi, how are you?” to the bartender or the person next to you. As soon as you engage someone in a good conversation, you don’t feel alone - because, after all, you’re there talking to someone. To anyone else in the room, you’re not there alone. The longer you hesitate, however, the more obvious it is that you feel like an outcast. Get talking.
• Bring the party, don’t join the party. If you’re nervous, it’s only natural to want to get into someone else’s group or fun conversation and latch onto what they’re doing. If you want a fire to start, you’re going to have to supply the spark yourself. Most of the time, that’s as easy as “How’s it going? Happy Friday” or whatever pleasant nonsense you want to toss out at people. Make it obvious that interacting with you is going to be fun from the very beginning, and people will naturally gravitate to you.

What To Do

Time it properly.

You’ll have to really know your venue here. If you’re going to a dive bar alone on 8 p.m. on a Monday night, chances are that you’re going to stick out like a sore thumb because there are only a few people there. If you go to a big downtown bar at 10:30 p.m. on a Friday night, no one’s even going to notice you’re there alone because you’re just part of the crowd, and your fears will wash away.

In other events, though, it can be helpful to be among the first people to arrive. If you’re taking a class for the first time, you can start up conversations with the few other stragglers who are there first, and you’ll probably feel like you’ve “made friends” before anyone else.

Be prepared for the “who are you here with?” or “are you here alone?” question. As you go out alone more, you won’t feel the need to defend yourself. But the first few times, you’ll likely feel self-conscious, so it helps to be ready with an answer that doesn’t make you feel all creepy inside.

Here are a few examples of what you can do:

Stranger: Who are you here with?

You: I’m meeting my friends later on. / My friends flaked on me, and I decided I wasn’t going to go straight home. / My friend flaked on me, and I decided to have an amazing night without them.

Here, it’s obvious that you’re just being out and about because you have friends and you’re a social person. Very easy to do for someone being out alone the first time.

Stranger: Are you out all by yourself?

You: Yeah! I love going out alone every so often.

There’s no reason you can’t just admit being out alone; as long as you show that you’re cool with it, chances are they will be too. The phrase “every so often” also implies that you’re usually out with friends and this is a rare event for you.

The key: come across as a sociable person that they caught on a rare “off” night. As always, how you respond is more important than what you respond with.

Stranger: Are you out by yourself?

You: [sheepish, over-the-top sad face] I’m just trying to make some friends.

If it’s obvious you’re joking, and that you don’t really care about being out alone, you’d be amazed…some people will actually be impressed that you’re out alone. But really, it’s not a big deal. Some people might ask you about it; most simply won’t care.

Talk, talk, talk.

When you go to a bar with friends, you have someone to lean on even if you’re not feeling very social. You can talk to them for hours, tip the bartender, and go straight home if you want, having never talked to a single stranger. And there’s nothing wrong with that, if that’s all you want to do.

When you’re alone, the safety net isn’t there. You have to get into motion right away, and that means approaching people you don’t know.

The best way to get started is by talking to people who are paid to talk to you: bartenders. Just make pleasant small talk - “how are things tonight?” - have a drink and relax. Try to find someone who looks amenable to talking to someone new, and go up and say “hi, how’s it going?” Don’t try to latch on; just try to stick with a conversation if one organically comes on. If not, move on and keep going until that fire ignites.

Remember: to the entire room, there’s no difference between a group of people who are friends and a group of people who are strangers, if both groups look like they are having fun. Once you’re talking to someone, you are no longer “out alone,” and many of your worst fears will vaporize.

Of course, if/when that conversation ends organically, you’re still without your safety net. What to do then?

Keep going. Leave yourself no time to languish in your aloneness. Talk to someone else, “be the mayor,” as Brent Smith says, making the rounds like someone worth knowing.

Ironically, when you do these things, you’ll realize there is no such thing as “going out alone.” You’re going out where there are people; you’re only alone if you choose to be.

Caveat: This tip isn’t to tell you that you should be the Energizer bunny, moving from interaction to interaction because some post on GetSuave told you to be the mayor. The point is to stay fun and sociable, simply refusing your instinct to languish alone. Be engaged with the environment; be a part of the environment; be the BEST part of that environment.

Make friends while waiting in line.

If you’re waiting in line (say, to get into a nightclub), then being alone isn’t easy. But approaching people here is natural because people are bored and are looking for an excuse to do something; they might as well talk to you.

Making friends while in the line can be good for later, as well; you can always approach these same people later within the venue and reference an earlier joke. It’s like having a friend you can lean on if you ever get stuck. But hopefully you took the earlier advice to heart; once you’ve got some social momentum working, you’re free to treat it like any other night.

For more on this topic, check out Brent Smith on going out alone and another one on going out alone