WTDW They're Not That Into You

It’s a common frustration for “nice guys” and loners that you can’t cast a +5 love spell and force the woman of your choice to fall in love.

Big whoop. There are a lot of things out of your control; crying about them doesn’t help you; in fact, it only hurts you more. Gaining control of your emotions, your priorities, and your energy, though - that’s suave.

But what’s funny is, many people can accept the fact that people will reject them. They just want to know. Unfortunately, women are generally too nice to guys, too willing to spare their feelings, too willing to string them along while they wait for something better. So in response to a date request, they might say “that sounds great! But, oh, I can’t do it this Saturday…” and hope you never bring the issue up again.

Meanwhile, the guy’s left thinking he scored a date, when in reality he’s already been rejected.

In David Deida’s “The Way of the Superior Man,” he talks about a principle: you have to choose a woman who chooses you.

That means no spells, no PUA techniques, no funny jokes, no special behaviors are necessary, because you should never try to “convince” someone you’re attractive by modifying your behavior to the extreme.

Instead, consider their attraction to you part of the basic “compatibility” equation. If he/she is not enthusiastic about dating you, is not willing to put in any effort to start a relationship, ignores your messages, etc., then you are not choosing someone who chooses you. You’re hoping to make something work without realizing it was doomed from the beginning.

Don’t be the butthurt “nice guy” or “lonely girl” who gets mad when someone doesn’t love them. Focus on being more attractive and learn to see the signs that someone just isn’t into you enough to make any semblance of a healthy relationship possible.

Principles

• Apply a very basic standard to their behavior: put yourself in their shoes. If you were all that attracted, would you act the way they’re acting? If you had a chance to date Kate Upton, would you ignore all of her texts, cancel dates, and never re-schedule? Hell no you wouldn’t. The answer is looking at you right in the face: they’re not that attracted to you. Whether you’re a man or a woman, it is obvious when someone is attracted to you. This is very tough for guys without a lot of experience to understand, but as you witness more women attracted to you, you’ll see what you were missing out on.
• Abundance mentality: the more focused you are on making this the one relationship that will save your life, the less likely you are to behave in any acceptable manner, let alone some version of “suave.” Abundance mentality always applies: you have to be willing to zoom out from this particular interaction to see the opportunities present elsewhere.
• Don’t choose people who don’t also choose you. I don’t care if you think this is your dream woman or dream guy; if they don’t also choose you, then guess what? It can never be your dream relationship. They’re not the perfect one for you, because the perfect one for you would be at least as interested in you as you are in them. Consider their lack of interest to be a sign of their poor taste and move on.

What To Do

Move on.

The key here is recognizing when it’s time to quit. So, in general, apply the question: “if I was more like Brad Pitt [or Kate Upton], would this person really be so elusive? If he or she was genuinely attracted to me, would they behave like this?”

If the answer’s “no,” then stop deluding yourself and get on with your life.

Examples

Example #1: You think the texting is going well, and all of the sudden they stop.

You: It’s more like ‘why did you even do this’ ;)

Him/her: Yeah lol

You: So, having a good day?

Him/her: [utter silence]

We’ve all been there: you’re sharing a joke or two with someone via text and suddenly they stop responding.

The last thing you want to do is type “hello?” like some bloodthirsty troll who gets their energy from forcing others to acknowledge their presence.

It’s pretty simple: if they stop responding, stop texting. Either they’re in a situation where they can’t text you (and they’ll text you later), or, as Anna Kendrick explains, they’re just ignoring you. Either situation cannot be fixed by more texting from you; it will only dig you deeper into the hole.

Example #2: They say they want to go out with you, but they’re “busy,” and don’t offer an alternative date.

You: So, would you like to go out?

Them: Sure…

You: Great, how’s Friday?

Them: Oh, Friday doesn’t work.

You: Saturday, then?

Them: I’m out of town this whole weekend.

You: Oh, okay…

Apply the Pitt/Upton formula here: if Kate Upton asked you out and you sincerely couldn’t make the date, you would be happy to reschedule or offer an alternative, right? Yes, you would. Unfortunately, the person in this example isn’t as attracted to you as you are to Kate Upton.

“But champagnehouse,” I hear you say, “they said yes! Why would anyone say yes if they didn’t want to date me?”

Maybe they have no other options and they view you as a free meal they can keep on ice. Maybe they value your friendship and want to protect your feelings. Maybe they don’t know how to reject men, so they just straight-up lie. Point is, you don’t know, and it’s really none of your business, but you do know one thing: they’re not into you enough to want to make time for you, and you should have no interest in that.

Example #3: No enthusiasm.

Imagine you’ve secured a “date,” and then the following exchange happens:

You: So, would you like to go to the fair?

Them: Um, nah…

You: Okay, just dinner then. How about Italian?

Them: I don’t know, I ate already…

If securing a date has to be like pulling teeth, how do you think the actual date will go?

In this situation, stop what you’re doing and cancel everything. You don’t owe them a date even though you asked them out on one. It’s okay not to be interested in someone who shows a complete and utter lack of enthusiasm for hanging out with you; in fact, it’s a favor to them because you’re saving them some time.

Remember: choose someone who chooses you. If it has to be like pulling teeth, they’re not choosing you.

Example #4: “I like you as a friend; let’s be friends.”

Relevant XKCD.

The inexperienced man will go “sweet, this is my ‘in!’ She likes me - maybe not as much as I like Kate Upton, but she definitely still wants me around.”

Bullshit.

No woman who’s genuinely interested in you as a romantic prospect gives you the “let’s be friends” talk. Using her “friendship” as a backdoor into her affection is weak, troll, vampire-like behavior that casts you in the worst light possible.

If you genuinely want her as a friend? Great, be friends. But don’t be quote-unquote “friends” with someone you still hold out hopes of attracting.

Let me make it clear: you cannot “friend,” “nice,” “respect,” or “support” your way into generating attraction from either sex. Attraction doesn’t work like that, and until we evolve differently, it never will.

Example #5: Stood up.

Okay, so everything’s going well: you’ve secured the date, they seemed enthusiastic, you have a place to go, a time to meet at, and…

…they don’t show up.

You’ve been stood up. Don’t worry, it happens. But there are a few things you need to keep aware of in order to maintain your poise and your personal respect:

• You should only expect to stick around if they keep solid contact with you. If they text you, “sorry! Traffic! Be there in five minutes!” then you’re good. If they don’t text you at all, or text you way late with some B.S. excuse, you should consider yourself free to abandon the date.
• If they don’t show up, it’s their responsibility to tell you why. Don’t send them five texts asking “where are you?” Unless they’ve had a legitimate emergency, they’re the ones who need to follow up. If they don’t, they’re being so rude and disrespectful of your time that you should never give them another chance at another date. Seriously.
• Resolve to have fun where you are. Assuming you’ve been officially stood up without explanation, don’t let the evening turning into a dud; you have to show yourself that you can fun by yourself. Chat up the cute person at the corner of the bar. See a movie or something. You got dressed up; enjoy your night. Abundance mentality.

Whatever you do, don’t let anyone waste your time anymore. Don’t let them string you along so they have a “backup” when their well dries up. Only date people interested in dating you from now on, and be very sensitive to wasting no one’s time.