Attracting Beautiful and Exceptional Women Naturally, Part III

• Introduction
• Part I
• Part II

Having “Something to Say”

One of the most frequent problems men will bring up when starting out dating is that they fear they’ll run out of stuff to say. I’ll give you the quick fix, and then the way to treat the problem that’s causing the symptom.

Actually Have Something to Say

If you see a woman you want to introduce yourself to, you can’t let brain-freeze get in the way. Develop a sentence or two you use to introduce yourself. It doesn’t have to be perfect; it just has to be there, in your back pocket, so you can focus on beating your fears.

Here are a few suggestions:

• Direct: “Excuse me, I thought you were really cute and I wanted to introduce myself. I’m _____.” The “direct” method.
• Funny: “This is a crazy coincidence, but I have those exact same shoes.” Especially good if she’s wearing heels.
• Cheerful: “Hey, happy Friday!”
• Simple: “Hi.” Revolutionary!

I’ll be the first to admit I’m not re-inventing the wheel. But if you’re thinking to yourself, “I’ve said hi before and it hasn’t worked,” or “The problem is, I don’t know what to say after that,” then let’s dig a little deeper to find what the real problem is.

The Million-Dollar Mouthpiece

The problem with “running out of things to say” is primarily about your attitude and beliefs, not about your literal ability to say charming things.

Real Social Dynamics talks about the “million dollar mouthpiece.” It’s a basic concept that as long as you believe that what you say is valuable (because it comes from you, a valuable person), you’ll end up talking peoples’ ears off. I rarely encounter someone with an actual “having something to say” problem. Shy nerds turn into regular extraverts when they’re in online chats and feel no pressure to say anything particularly worthwhile.

Here are a few ways to fix the problem:

• Practice saying stuff without regard to its quality. Practice just talking, and talking, and talking. Talk to the lady behind the deli counter, the gas station clerk, the UPS guy. To keep talking, you’ll have to lower your standard for “what’s charming.” You may end up just talking about the weather, for example. But eventually, you’ll discover that you’re more charming when you remove the mental blocks that have been holding you back.
• Remember that communication is mostly nonverbal. You can entrance people with a dumb story about that one time you went camping…or you can be saying some pretty mind-blowing stuff about the universe and watch as people roll their eyes. Social skills aren’t always about intrinsic value, but perceived value. And the perceived value of what you say has more to do with your subcommunication than your actual communication. It’s about energy, not content.

Think about how fun it is to talk to a kid. Kids have nothing to say, most of the time. But they’re fascinated anyway, so the energy of the conversation makes it fun. Talking to the mailman about the rain is boring…but talking to a kid who’s like “WOW! Look at how fat the raindrops are!” is fun. It’s not because of the content - the mailman knows the weather better - it’s about what’s behind the interaction. The energy.

So stop believing there’s “nothing to say,” and focus on being a talkative, fun person who engages other people. Chances are, the good stuff will flow anyway.

Bringing the Party vs. Seeking the Party

When you start a new interaction with people, one of two things will happen: you will either bring the energy down, or you will offer surplus energy. You’re either seeking to take, or you’re seeking to give.

You’ve experienced seeking the party if you’ve ever walked up to a group in a bar that looked like they were having fun, only to be gently ignored by those standing on the outskirts. You’ve experienced being the party if you’ve ever joked around and had a good time with friends and saw that people started to talk to you.

It’s a subtle distinction, so here are a few principles to live by:

• Approach each interaction with a “boost.” Evaluate the energy of your surroundings, and provide a gentle lift in energy when you talk to people. If you’re having a ball in the club, that means shouting “woo,” doling out high-fives, and dancing your ass off. If you’re chatting to someone at the library, it’s offering a pleasant hello. Your goal: communicate that interacting with you is going to be pleasant, fun, and worth their time and energy.
• Go out with the goal of providing a good time. Yes, providing. People are wrapped up in their fears, their anxieties, their uncertainty about the world around them. Be a catalyst to having fun. Be that guy who says “oh, karaoke night? Sure, I’ll start us off?” And do it not for you, but for the situation. Give more than you get. Only when you develop this approach will you shed off the skin of neediness like a…snake? Sorry, it’s a long post and my similes are getting weak.
• Carpe diem. Wherever you are, decide that’s where the party is. With a few male friends in the bar? Lift up the energy and play some bar games. Alone at the bar? Ask the bartender if they’ll play dice. Talking to some elderly people at the old folks’ home? Start up a rousing game of Scrabble. From now on, the good time in the room can be had by knowing you. Seize the day.
• Introduce people to each other. Even if you don’t know people that well. You’ll find that being a social catalyst inherently provides fun to people, because it allows them to feel like they belong in the good time that’s being enjoyed by all. You’ll also be seen as the guy who “knows everyone.”
• Be “the mayor.” Brent Smith recommends approaching a new situation by walking around and making quick, enjoyable small talk with everyone there - you know, like how the mayor of the city might enter the situation, schmoozing. The key is that you end the interactions first and move on. People will think “who is that guy that knows everyone?” It’s social proof. Then, once you’ve talked to everyone in the room, settle down for a drink and watch how many people re-engage with you.

Remember: there is no such thing as something for nothing. By re-focusing your energy on supplying the situation with energy, introductions, and a fun time, you’ll put yourself in the right spot for women to approach you and ask, “so…who are you?” But it’s not done by accident. It comes from the attitude of giving, not from expecting something for nothing.

Lifestyle vs. “Picking Women Up”

There’s a reason women view pickup as creepy, and it’s not always for the reason you think.

Focusing your life on seducing women, figuring them out, and approaching it like a video game might seem like fun to you, but it’s not how a truly suave man lives. A renaissance man is willing to approach women to build his confidence, sure, but he recognizes that this is only the part of a package of a re-invented lifestyle.

Your goal should be to put yourself into the position to succeed; it’s that axiom, “90% of success is showing up.”

When you take up a number of social hobbies, when you go to bars not to pick up women but to have fun and be the catalyst for everyone to have a great time, when you start giving more energy than you take…then you’ll start to see how meeting women can be the part of this complete breakfast…rather than just a tasty donut.

That’s all well and good to say, of course: but how is it done?

• Talk to everyone. When you’re “being the mayor,” you’re talking to everyone; after all, everyone’s vote counts. That means talking to the old man in the grocery line just as much as the cutie who was looking at 2% milk. You’ll build up massive amounts of social experience and momentum by doing this, and you’ll start to see beautiful women not as special flowers but as people. Imagine that.
• End interactions first. Building a lifestyle means you’re busy; it’s only a matter of practicality to end conversations first and move on. But it will also instill your vibe with the aura of value; there’s only so much of you to go around. Get in the habit of ending interactions first, and that means everything from text conversations to hitting it off with a beautiful women.
• Log the fuck off. Internet can certainly be a part of this complete breakfast; it’s what I’m doing right now. But life is best experienced in living color. You’re not going to experience the full benefits of a complete lifestyle until you get out in the real world and earn that ice-cold frame. You’re not going to build social momentum if you get home from work and veg out in front of computer games that practically play themselves. Find the fun stuff out there that also has the added effect of making your social life more interesting.
• Remember: “give to give.” Another Brent Smith concept. Don’t give to others with the expectation of receiving. Give for the sake of giving. It’s a subtle distinction, but it will make all the difference. I recommend taking up volunteering if you really want to work on this idea of giving for the sake of giving; chances are, it will feel like the most valuable thing you do all week.
• It’s okay to let go. Having a great conversation with a statuesque blonde? Try giving out your number instead of taking it. You’ll get a lot of B.S. from other guys for this, “It’s a man’s job to call the woman,” etc. But try it out a few times and see if she doesn’t end up contacting you. It’s okay to let go. There are more women out there, there’s more life to experience right now. No matter how great the vibe is, no matter how much she loves you, remember: you’ll always be more powerful if you’re willing to let it all go. As Fight Club notes, it’s not only until you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything.

Stop Tolerating Bullshit

That last point is important, because letting things go is part of living in a mentality and lifestyle of abundance. Sometimes, that means letting go of situations and even people who do nothing but drag you down.

When I worked at a retail store, I started getting used to dealing with rude customers. I usually let it go. Then, one day, my shift manager saw me deal with a particularly irate woman and took me aside. He said something like, “Hey, you know you have the right to refuse service to anyone, right?”

I probably blinked like someone who’d never heard this concept before. “I do?”

“Yeah.”

“But isn’t the customer always right?”

“Hell, no.”

He was my favorite shift manager.

And that was it. The next time a customer treated me rudely, I refused service and told them to come back when they were ready to treat me like a normal person. The person staggered out, wide-eyed, and everyone else in the line was on their best behavior. From then on, I realized that humility has a lot of power, but having a spine can be just as important.

You don’t have to be an abrasive asshole to achieve this effect. You simply have to manage what happens in your life. You have the right to say, “I accept this,” or, “I don’t accept this.” And you’ll find that women are generally more attracted to a man who has his head on straight. Sometimes, they’ll throw frame tests your way just to feel their way around your boundaries. And you know what? Being that spineless overly nice guy justifiably turns them off.

And here’s a revolutionary thought: you should hold women to the same standards you hold men. You’d be amazed at how often a man will let a woman walk all over him just because it’s the perceived social order - often, it doesn’t even occur to the guy that her behavior is abnormal because he holds her to a different standard than he holds her friend.

The key is to see each situation with a level head. Is it reasonable to let a guy butt in line if he’s polite, asks you to do it, and has a valid reason? Sure, let him butt. Is a female trainer at the gym trying to kick you off the machine so she can use it? Well, like anyone else, she can wait her turn.

Again, the principle is to lead yourself - and lead the people around you.

Don’t be invasive. If there’s a public argument, don’t get involved in the argument; but you can certainly point out that this is neither the time nor place for it. Mind your own business, but don’t become a bystander, either.

It’s a difficult balance to achieve, but once you start doing it, you’ll be amazed at how quickly many people will see how their behavior was inappropriate all along.

And a quick caveat: use your common sense. Don’t go picking fights with biker dudes just to show you’re a big tough man, and don’t let someone get away with something inappropriate just because she happens to be a beautiful woman. Ask yourself with a level head, “should I really accept this?” And be polite but firm.

Conclusion: Becoming the VIP

This mega-post isn’t all about how to seduce beautiful woman; it’s about becoming an attractive man who knows how to talk to attractive women. It’s about getting to that level where you feel, quite justifiably, that you belong with exceptional people. Hell, it’s about being an exceptional person.

It’s a lot to swallow, and it’s a lot of homework. But many of these principles will have major positive consequences in different areas of your life. Taking pride in your clothing will help you make a better impression at work. Learning how to grow a spine will help you support your family members. Learning “giving to give” will teach you the value of being a genuinely kind person. Talking to everyone will help you meet new friends in unexpected places.

It’s not about “game.” This is your life, and when you go out to interact with the world, you have the moral obligation to make other peoples’ lives better for knowing you.

And, if you meet a few hot babes along the way - great.