10 June 2015

Attracting Beautiful and Exceptional Women Naturally, Part II

by u/champagnehouse

In Part I, we looked at developing the right attitude and fixing your communication. Let’s go even deeper.

Who You Are: Inner Game, Attractiveness, and Self-Leadership

Would you date you?

It’s not fair to blame beautiful women for not being attracted to you if you do nothing to attract them. And your attractiveness depends entirely upon the quality of your presentation to the world. How often are you working on that quality?

The common axiom is “it’s not what you do, it’s who you are.” That’s why a wise man will focus on making himself better across the full spectrum.

Inner Game

This topic is too big to cover here; suffice it to say, it’s probably the most important thing you could do to become suave. Expect a post of its own.

Suffice it to say, your subconscious beliefs affect everything that happens in your conscious life. Everything you do, think, and write forms the lens through which you view the world. James Allen, author of “As a Man Thinketh,” wrote that “the law of harvest is to reap more than you sow. Sow an act, and you reap a habit. Sow a habit and you reap a character. Sow a character and you reap a destiny.”

You have a few tools for changing your beliefs about yourself:

Affirmations. Create a list of affirmative thoughts and repeat them on a daily basis. The key here is to be positive, not negative: “I am confident” is better than “I am no longer socially awkward.”
Journaling. Take a few minutes at the end of the day and look for the evidence that your affirmations are true. An affirmation of “confidence” might include a note like “I had a great interaction with the grocery clerk.” Your mind is always looking for evidence for its belief systems; don’t leave the pages empty.
Cognitive behavioral therapy. Throughout the day, if you notice yourself having a negative thought that contradicts your goals, shift your attention back to your affirmations.
Actions. It’s not just what you think; it’s what you do. The more you take action toward your goals, the more you’re going to become convinced that you deserve to achieve it. After all, you’re putting in the work. Going to the gym, getting a fresh hair cut - everything is connected when it comes to inner game.

Attractiveness

This is a big enough piece of being suave that it has its own section here. But the key point is: you can and should work on your attractiveness. I don’t want to hear that your face is ugly. I want to hear about how you’re changing your body, your style, your hygiene, and everything that is under your control for the better.

If you want attractive women, be as attractive as you can be. You can be unattractive and date attractive women, true. But if you’re actively working on bettering yourself, you’re going to come from a better place right off the bat. You’re going to believe in yourself more, you’re going to take pride in taking care of yourself, and you’re going to be more mentally healthy.
A lot of value is conveyed through clothing. Can you attract women without it? Sure. But a suave man doesn’t bother. Wearing well-fitting, stylish clothing has tons of benefits, including really practical benefits like getting into bars/clubs more quickly.
Love yourself. You should fundamentally enjoy treating yourself well, and that includes treating your exterior well. If you love yourself, it’s infectious. Once again, all of this stuff is connected.

Self-Leadership

Ever hear of the bystander effect? When someone is in danger, many people simply watch, trusting someone else to take a leadership role.

People want to be led. But you can’t hope to lead anyone until you can lead yourself. There is something innately attractive about a man who knows what he wants, who’s protective of his time, and who is decisive in social situations. Here are some things you can improve in self-leadership:

Self-improvement. Going to the gym is self-leadership. Studying is self-leadership. Anything that requires discipline for a greater good that you envision for yourself? It’s worth more than gold. Treat your free time as such.
Boundaries. No suave man was ever a pushover. Even James Bond wiped out motherfuckers with harpoons when they tried sneaking up on him. Do not allow yourself to be treated rudely. This was something David reiterated to me. He said he lost out on many women because he would bust on them for being disrespectful or rude, and he wouldn’t do it in a joking manner. Self-respect means demanding respect from your environment as well. People will not value your suaveness until they feel that you have a spine.
Poise. In tough situations, do you freak the fuck out? Do you get butthurt when women make fun of you and call you creepy? Or are you poised, even when you get rejected? Never, ever, be butthurt. Lead yourself to relaxation and fun.

Baby Steps and Incremental Improvement

Dave’s story of how he did it all himself was fascinating. He said he started from “absolute zero.”

He’d been successful and married to a beautiful woman, he said, but he’d only won her by sheer luck and by flaunting his success. In his early 20’s, he didn’t know better than to take the usual route, “put a ring on it,” and secure his one true love for all time.

The divorce left Dave with almost nothing. He was willing to lose the house, the cars (they didn’t have any kids to fight over) - but he made it out at least with his business. If he was going to start over, he said, he was at least going to take the seeds for future success.

Even so, that was all he had. His confidence was shattered, and he had no idea how to enter the dating world. So he did the only thing he could think of: he went outside. Dave started going out to meet women. At first, he couldn’t even work up the courage to do it; he’d just walk around a mall at lunchtime, ogling beautiful women as if they were miles away. Eventually, he got so sick of being a “nobody” and so angry that he’d lost it all that he finally reached the point of, “fuck it.”

His first approach went terribly. He was told to “fuck off.”

But from there, Dave gained the confidence to do it again. And again. Eventually, he lost his fear of approaching and started working on other things - more eye contact, better posture, dressing nicely. Over the period of a few years, this incremental transformation yielded the man I saw in front of my eyes.

“But champagnehouse,” he told me, “remember: Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

Start where you are. If you have the guts and mental fortitute, throw yourself into the pool. If not, start where you are. It’s not easy to start changing yourself, so if merely walking outdoors alone gives you the heebie-jeebies, start there.
Set a weekly goal, meet it, and improve the next week. Maybe one week, it’s just to go somewhere where beautiful women are. Maybe the next week, it’s to say “hello” to one woman a day. Maybe the next week, it’s saying hello and striking up a mundane conversation. Maybe the next week, you work on your eye contact. Maybe the next week, you work on speaking loudly and clearly. Keep stacking weeks. Improve by 1% each week and you’ll be amazed at your progress within a year.
The Seinfeld Productivity Technique. See it on Lifehacker. The jist: Buy a calendar. Start a new habit today. Cross the day off on your calendar when you’ve achieved your daily goal. Your chief aim? To maintain the chain of completed days. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. Just keep the chain alive.
Keep a progress journal. This won’t only help you believe in the progress you’re making, but as you get farther along in the journey, you’ll be able to go back to those first days and see how much you’ve really changed.

Becoming suave is a long-term investment in yourself; think of it like going to the bank every day and making a deposit. Through the power of compound interest, you’ll eventually find yourself in amazing places. It won’t happen overnight, but if you’re vigilant, it will happen.

Frame, Rejection, Poise, and Your “Confidence Muscle”

We humans are evolved to live in small nomadic groups; as such, all it takes to build “social value” is to have the strongest mental frame of mind in any given group of people.

If attracting beautiful women is who you are and not what you do, then your confidence must be a matter of course, and not a matter of circumstance.

There is no game except frame control. In any given situation, one person’s views dominate. When you meet someone, are they welcomed into your universe…or are you trying to earn their respect and approval? And having everyone’s attention isn’t enough. As Nick Sparks puts it, would you rather be the jester…or the king?
Frame is usually expressed in poise. The unwavering belief in yourself is not aggressive; it is relaxed. It’s Michael Jordan looking at nothing but the net in Game 6. James Bond stays James Bond, even when betrayed and rejected. Steve McQueen could meet the Queen of England and look unimpressed.
Frame is built like muscle. You have to exercise it. And, like muscle, your mental poise and frame can be built by failure. Rejection makes good practice, maybe even better than success. Overcoming other challenges with your dignity intact will make you a better man who sees his life from a larger perspective.

One of the most valuable things you can learn to do is handle a frame test. A frame test can be anything: an objection, an insult, an attempt to knock you off your game. You’ll read a lot about these online, usually in the context of picking up women. But the truth is, I think most people give you frame tests just to test your mental mettle.

How to respond to a frame test:

Never lose your cool. Losing your cool is the first and most immediate sign that your frame test has failed. Stay cool, baby, ice cold.
Ignore. Not a great solution, but it generally beats overreacting, losing your cool, etc. Simply move on with the conversation.
Shut down. This isn’t my favorite, because it’s not generally smooth, but at least it shows that you’re not going to take any guff.
Agree/disagree and amplify. We’re getting a little closer. If someone says “you are just a player, aren’t you?” you might disagree and say “Actually, I’m a virgin…and I’m really sensitive about it. Thanks!” in a clearly joking tone. Or you might agree and say…“Yeah, thanks! I’m actually thinking about turning pro.” Point is, you’re not taking a frame test seriously, which means you’re passing it.

This is not just a matter of technique; it’s about understanding what’s behind a frame test that will give you more success.

The real key:

Why does the latter solution work so well? A frame test cannot be passed, it can only be failed. A frame test can only be swatted away by not taking its power seriously. Since you live in your world, you won’t acknowledge the authority of other people to measure your worth as a person. Besides, life is a frame test.

James T. Kirk understood this when he beat the Kobayashi Maru test; he simply refused to acknowledge it as a legitimate test.

Alexander the Great understood this when he received a letter from Persian King Darius III asking for an alliance. Alexander’s response? He didn’t even acknowledge Darius’ ability to make such a request, saying, “Approach me therefore as the lord of all Asia. If you are afraid of suffering harm at my hands by coming in person, send some of your friends to receive proper assurances. Come to me to ask and receive your mother, your wife, your children and anything else you wish. Whatever you can persuade me to give shall be yours.”

Alexander also understood it when he encountered the Gordian Knot; rather than succumb to everyone else’s frame and attempt to be the best at untying it, he simply chopped it apart.

A frame test is an attempt to see if you’ll participate as a peon in someone else’s universe. Don’t. If you value yourself, you value your own perspective. Truth be told, as you become more advanced in your charisma, the frame test shouldn’t really feel like a major challenge. If you have poise and control over your emotions, you’ll find it easy to laugh off frame tests.

Choose Your Own Adventure