Attracting Beautiful and Exceptional Women Naturally, Part I

When I first got out of college and landed my first job, I met a business consultant named “Dave.” Dave was in his mid to late forties, but unlike so many of the slovenly and depressing middle-aged men around my office, when Dave came, he stood out like a sore thumb. In a good way. Dave wasn’t married. He was still in good shape. In fact, he didn’t seem to care about ever getting married. Instead of rocking an ill-fitting polo-and-khaki combination, he always suited up. Instead of walking around with a miserable posture, he sort of prowled, and always spoke with confidence. And no wonder. He always seemed to have dates lined up, beautiful women texting him, and when he was visiting our office but was busy in meetings, he was all that the women gossiped about.

If suaveness is a question, Dave had the answer.

Naturally, I spent as much time around Dave and soaking up his wisdom as possible. It wasn’t always possible. Dave was self-employed. He wasn’t an employee, so he was only occasionally at the office. But me, still a somewhat shy and relatively abashed person, had to work up the confidence to ask to buy him lunch.

“I’d like to pick your brain,” I told him.

“About the company?”

“Well, all sorts of things,” I managed to say.

We went to a local eatery. At first I pretended to want to know about his consultancy, just to get him comfortable and talking, but when I saw him flirt with our cute 20-something waitress, I was floored. She was blushing. She was grooming. She didn’t even seem to see me; she fixated on him like locked in a tractor beam. I knew, suddenly, that whatever middling attraction I’d managed to get from women up until that point was nothing like this. And I was supposed to be the young attractive one, the “age-appropriate” guy the waitress should have been flirting with! And even more interesting was the fact that throughout our conversation, at least two different women texted him. He even showed me his phone: one of the women was offering to buy him dinner that Friday. He didn’t show me the other because, he said, she didn’t mean for anyone else to see the picture.

When the waitress took his card and finally left us alone, I knew I had to know what was going on. I blurted out: “Okay. What’s the secret?”

He seemed cagey at first, as if he really did have some secret he didn’t want to share with me. But I persisted. In my mind, this guy seemed like he had the answers to all the questions I’d been asking about my life.

Eventually, he caved. It all started pouring out. I even started writing down notes. He told me he grew up a lot like me; shy, and nervous around women. After having his heart broken by his now ex-wife, he’d turned it around by focusing on self-improvement and building up “inner game” and confidence. Let me tell you, the hardest thing to believe in the whole conversation was that idea that someone like him ever had any problem with women. When he told me about being approached by women wherever he went, about how he’s had women offer their phone numbers after just a few words, I was certain it was all true. After I saw that waitress take his card like she’d won the lottery, I was willing to believe anything. And while he didn’t magically wave a wand and solve all of my suave problems that day, he did lay out everything he knew, and recommended me some resources for learning more.

I left that lunch feeling like I was on cloud nine. All the hopes I’d ever had for the future, of living some sort of James Bond smooth lifestyle (minus the supervillains)…they weren’t a kid’s dream. It was suddenly possible. That day put me on the path toward learning how to deal with women, but more than that - learning how to deal with life.

What did Dave tell me?

Nothing I’m not about to tell you.

First Things First: Fix Your Attitude

Nothing you say, do, wear, or lift will help you with women if you start off with the wrong attitude.

Abandoning Her-League-My-League Thinking

You’ll recall this from your GetSuave syllabus. In short: now is the time to abandon game-based thinking. Can you “game” women? Yes. Should you? No. You should focus on building an attractive mindset, and attractive exterior, and building yourself up to the point where you never feel a wall of artificial “out of my league” separation between you and extraordinary women.

In short: to land an extraordinary woman, focus on being an extraordinary man, and go from there.

From here on out, promise me: to you, there are no more “leagues.” There is no more “I won’t approach someone that beautiful; she probably has a boyfriend.” There is no more “I’m too ugly/short/fat to land a hot woman.” There is no more changing your behavior around hot women because you think she’ll like you more if you’re more cocky/more polite/whatever.

If you focus on becoming the right kind of guy - a guy that people like being around - women will chase you. Because you’ll be a rare find.

Abundance Mentality

I won’t repeat myself. But there are a few principles to remember as you go forward:

• Choose a woman who chooses you. No more “making” a woman like you with “game.” Go around and be your best self and let the women choose you, and proceed from there. If you’re worried it will never happen that way, check your scarcity mindset at the door and keep reading.
• Failure is not permanent. Until a meteor crashes on earth and humanity is wiped out, there will always, always, always be more extraordinary, beautiful women out there.
• “Soul mates” don’t exist. You are no longer trying to win any one particular women over; you are now building the lifestyle of a man who attracts women into his life easily and naturally.

Reframing Failure and Rejection As Opportunities

• Rejection is good for you. Handle rejection like a suave man and no one person will have the power to make you feel bad ever again. In fact, you’ll start to see that rejections only help you build up confidence and poise. When you watch yourself fail and overcome your worst fear, you will innately build the belief systems that foster genuine self-confidence.
• Failure is motivation. If someone makes fun of you, thank them for fostering your motivation. Write down the motivating thought, and use it to fuel you at the gym. From today on out, you will no longer fear mockery or failure; instead, you will digest it, use it for its motivational calories, shit it out, and flush it down the toilet of forgotten memories.

Attracting Women Is Not What You Do, It’s Who You Are

This is the toughest pill to swallow for men who have been learning pickup lines, negs, and the like. It’s time to abandon that circus shit forever and walk around with the confidence that you are enough.

• “I am enough.” Come from the attitude of “I am enough” and the world will open up to you. Come from the attitude of “I must be witty and charming to earn approval” and you will repel people away, because they’ll sniff out your low value from a mile away.
• Building good habits. You are not going to attract beautiful women overnight. You’re going to build yourself into an attractive person via good habits: becoming fun, open, and energetic - a positive presence. If you have good habits, you won’t ever have to worry about “what to say” again.
• You are malleable. The brain is malleable. Your habits are malleable. You are not the static being you imagine yourself to be. So don’t fret and say “well, who I am hasn’t attracted anyone yet.” You can simultaneously be yourself and improve yourself.

The Need to “Game” Comes from Scarcity

• “I need to game her” is the same as saying “I am not enough.” We want to build you up into someone who can walk up to a woman, have no idea about what you’re going to say, and still feel the confidence and poise of someone who expects to be treated with respect.
• Having one or two “lines” is not the same as gaming. “Hello” is technically a “line” you can memorize. That doesn’t make it particularly artificial. It’s okay to have one or two basic things to say to people ready to go; if you spend enough time socializing, chances are you’ll develop this habit anyway.

What You Do: Eyes, Voice, Body

I know, I know. In the previous section I wrote “It’s not what you do, it’s who you are.” And now I’m telling you what to do?! I’ve got it all backwards!

Well, the idea is simple: the way you use your eyes, your voice, and your body are extensions of your internal belief system. If you believe yourself to be a pathetic, shy loser, that will come out in bad eye contact, voice, and body language habits. In truth, your eyes, voice, and body are who you are. They’re the habits that you really have to work at to improve and control.

Here’s the gist of where you want to be:

Eye Contact

Very simple. Your eye contact should be both relaxed and unflinching: “poised” is the best word for it. You don’t want to do a creeper stare, but you do want your presence to be felt.

The rule of thumb is: don’t break eye contact first unless you’re walking around the ‘hood and don’t want to start a fight.

That’s about it. Guys worry about coming across as creepy, so here’s what you do to avoid that:

• Relax. Caring too much about how other people perceive you tenses you up, and tension manifests in the face. THIS IS NOT TO SAY THAT YOU SHOULD BLANKLY STARE. Just, relax. Marlon Brando puts cocky tension in his brow and relaxes the rest of the muscles in his face.. Sean Connery puts the tension in his brows and squints, but if his face was tense, he’d look confused or worried or something like Jaden Smith. But the key is: relax.
• Look away sometimes. Generally you want to be assertive with eye contact, especially when you’re not worried about the guy beating you up…but after you’ve established you can give it, for Heaven’s sake, look away and allow a little breathing room sometimes.

Voice

Loud, clear, assertive. This video is worth 8 minutes of your time.. You kind of want to be challenging with your voice, because your voice says a lot about how you perceive your own social value.

When you’re “low value” and don’t believe you belong in the party, you’re not going to be talking loudly at all. You’re going to be talking high, trailing off, and asking questions.

When you’re “high value” in your own mind, you’re okay with giving commands, or at least sounding like you’re giving commands. Honestly, try saying “Jenny, how are you?” out loud and have it sound like a fun command. Do you see how much the subcommunication of what you’re saying changes merely on how you say it? (This is another reason “gaming” and words matter little.)

There are three ways to talk:

• End the sentence in an upward inflection (questions / lower value)
• End the sentence in a neutral inflection (neutral)
• End the sentence in a downward inflection (commands, declarative sentences, higher value)

Add a layer of fun to it, and you might end up sounding like the cool turtle from Finding Nemo. Just avoid the surfer-ness. Or listen to Clark Gable. His sentences sound almost accusatory, but in most scenes he adds a layer of lightheartedness and fun to it. Even when he asks questions, his sentences end in a downward inflection. You can’t hear how what he’s saying without assuming it’s coming from a place of total confidence.

Body Language and Posture

Do the above (eye contact and speaking from fun authority), and most of your non-verbal communication is taken care of. But you can always work on your posture. Brad Pitt is your hero in this arena. Even when he sits at a computer or turns to the other characters in the scene, he’s upright, shoulders back, etc. I think it’s impossible for Brad Pitt in any movie to walk/sit/stand without walk/sit/standing like a king. Dude’s been handsome his whole life, he just can’t help it. Also, he’s in shape, and good posture comes naturally when you work out. Watch him in “Se7en,” when the camera’s behind him. His shoulders are pressed way back, but - once again - he’s always relaxed. No tension, just good form.

A Note on Innate Social Proof

What do all of these “outer game” items have in common?

They come to you naturally when you’re given a position of leadership. If you’ve ever encountered someone with “situational confidence,” like say a manager at a coffee shop who’s in charge of a bunch of college-age employees, you’ll find that their behaviors tend to automatically “correct” to reflect their position. Even if they’re not usually like that. If you’ve ever been in that situation, you probably know that your interactions with women seem a lot easier, more fluid, more natural, and you often generate attraction.

The goal, then, is to create this same confidence and congruence at a base level; i.e., you don’t depend on being the coffee shop manager; you depend on feeling like a leader all the time. When you feel this way, people will inherently assume good things about you. They’ll judge you based on your behaviors, perceive that you view yourself as high value, and they’ll work on the assumption that it’s true. And, ideally, it is.

For most men, it goes like this:

External validation: Playing confidence as a “role”: Man exhibits high value behaviors: Women are attracted

It works. But it’s not genuine. It’s built on a foundation of sand; remove the external validation and the entire house of cards crashes down. You want it to be more like this:

Self-validation: Genuine confidence: You exhibit high value behaviors: Women are attracted

That is how you become naturally good with women, in a nutshell. But, of course, more remains to be explained.

Choose Your Own Adventure

• Turn to page 2 for more adventures in suave-i-tude
• Turn to page 58 to settle for less