Don't Hesitate

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

-Theodore Roosevelt, Renaissance Man

Introduction: The Riker Principle

Ever watch Star Trek: The Next Generation?

(I know. Not the best way to start a “GetSuave” post. But bear with me.)

If you’re not familiar with ST:TNG, there’s a character, Cmdr. Will Riker, who has a reputation as a bit of a ladies’ man. Whenever there’s a hot new space-babe on the Enterprise, you can always count on Riker to have a warm smile, a flirty/complimentary comment, and an unwavering eye.

Or, as one YouTube video description so bluntly puts it, “Riker got more p***y on the show than any 2nd in command.”

But what I liked most about Riker is one episode in particular, when a woman named Vash enters the Enterprise social lounge. Riker’s there, at the bar, having a drink, and spots her. What does he do? We rarely get to see Riker work his “game,” so how will it go? Does he instinctively close off his body language, get nervous, and wonder when the best time to approach this beautiful woman is?

Hell naw. Riker smiles to himself, saunters right up to her, and strikes up a conversation.

That’s the behavior of a galaxy-class Second-in-Command. And, in fact, something as simple as not hesitating is so fundamental to being suave that I dare call it the Riker Principle.

The Riker Principle: When you see a beautiful woman you want to talk to, smile, but don’t hesitate.

There’s something about instant assertiveness that separates the James Bonds, the Danny Oceans, and the William T. Rikers of the world from ordinary men who, as Patton put it, give counsel to their fears.

Not hesitating gives your fears no time to take root.

All of that “I’ll wait until perfect timing,” or “I don’t want to interrupt” stuff may be true…but if it’s causing you to not approach at all, then you have a problem with anxiety. It’s easy to be polite and apologize for interrupting. It’s hard to watch a beautiful woman leave the venue and never know if she would have liked you.

But there’s more going on here, in this principle of not hesitating, that isn’t only good for you, but is good for the vibe you broadcast.

Don’t Be The Beer-Armed Militia

It only takes a moment’s courage to change the dynamic of an entire night.

Consider that time when you were in your first junior high dance. All of the guys wanted to dance with the girls. All of the girls wanted to dance with the guys. Yet all anyone did, for the first few minutes or even hours, was talk to their own friends, leading to a situation where the girls lined up one side of the gym and the boys lined up on the other, facing each other off like revolutionary militia against British redcoats.

But then, one guy says “I’ve had enough,” and goes to ask his favorite girl to dance. One by one, thanks to social proof, the dominoes start to fall, and the night is made. Some of the guys even come up to that first little William T. Riker to give him their thanks. He’s the proverbial man, and he’s scored 10 suave points for himself that night.

We don’t really get over this, do we? Sure, we have alcohol to aid our confidence as adults, but does it really help?

Consider the last wedding you went to. How many “Beer-Armed Militia” did you spot hovering outside the dance floor? You know the guys; they keep their hands in one pleated pants pocket, another hand grasping a beer near their belly, and their eyes fixed on the people actually having the fun.

Junior high nerves are alive and well in the adult world.

Talk to these guys and you’ll see that they have a litany of excuses for not having fun. “I have to finish my first beer.” “I’m not much of a dancer.” “Maybe a little later.”

They’re the opposite of Rikers; they’re Barclays. They live in a fantasy world in which having fun does not involve the slightest bit of assertiveness or action

What To Do

Okay, so let’s say you’re caught off-guard. You’re at a gas station picking up a bottle of water and you see a rather striking woman coming in to pay for her gas. What do you do? All of that reading GetSuave online doesn’t seem to help! You may have watched Nick Sparks’ video “How to Approach Anyone” but now that you’re actually in the situation, any of the logical points he made seem to vanish under the weight of the very emotional reality that approaching this woman legitimately scares you.

Here’s what you do:

You…

…approach…

…her.

And you do it before you have a chance to talk yourself out of it. When in doubt, say “hi, how are you?” Or you might have a default line memorized, just to make it a little easier on yourself, something simple like: “Excuse me, I thought you were cute and I had to introduce myself. I’m __.”

The point, of course, is not the line itself. The point is how you deliver the line…and, in this case, how you demonstrate total mastery over your emotions by feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

Courage, after all, is not the absence of fear, but rather absence of hesitation in the face of fear.

Five Reasons Not to Hesitate

Why is it so important not to hesitate?

• Hesitation means you have not mastered your own emotions. Both you and I know that in most situations, it’s relatively easy to approach a beautiful women–you go up and you say hi. It’s only once you remove the fear that you think, “you know, it would have been so easy to just walk up to her and say hi.” If you hesitate, you’re capitulating to your emotions, which means you have not mastered yourself to the degree that will shape your life for the better. Practicing non-hesitation will help you achieve this.
• Social proof. There are two types of men: Beer-Armed Militia, and the men on the “battlefield,” in the “arena,” actually talking to the women. Guess which one has more social proof? As someone who has a lot of experience with hovering around and dawdling before approaching women, let me tell you this clearly: the longer you wait, the weaker you appear. When you approach a beautiful woman quickly, you come pre-packaged with the innate social proof of the action itself…she has to think to herself, “well, if this guy can approach me without fear, he probably can talk to a lot of women without fear. He must be cool and confident.” It’s not a direct thought; it’s what she picks up on a purely “vibe” level. This is one reason Riker’s vibe is so good.
• Approaching boosts your confidence. You don’t have to approach a beautiful woman without hesitation to boost your confidence; try talking to people as soon as you enter a venue. You’d be amazed at how well it changes the lens through which you view the entire night.
• Hesitation gives you the opportunity to talk yourself out of taking action. It’s the same way that going to the gym shouldn’t be a 30-minute agonizing decision; you should pack up your bag and go before you have time to actually think about it. Sometimes, being suave is just getting out of your own way. Many guys build themselves up into James Bonds, waiting for eye contact, when they don’t even realize that they haven’t entered the woman’s reality yet.
• You can’t change the temperature of the water. Think you’ll eventually wind up in a magical happy place where social interactions are 100% fun and people are always warm and inviting, and approaching new interactions is always easy as pie? Then you might as well try to change the temperature of the swimming pool before you dive in. At a pool party, don’t be that guy who dips his feet in; be the guy jumping right in and going “woo!” when he comes up for air.

A Caveat, or: How to Use Your Common Sense

Hesitation - or lack thereof - is a powerful thing, so I don’t want to end this post without a few words of warning.

First, this post is for people who are too shy to take action. If you have no problems hesitating, don’t start bowling people over because a post on GetSuave said not to hesitate.

Second, this is not an excuse to be overly rude or obnoxious. If you can approach new people with consistency, then do not start thinking that you need to go interrupting every conversation and barging into every interaction without the slightest bit of awareness of your environment.

Third, This post isn’t about loudness or directness; it’s about how decisively and assertively you enter in. You can still be fun, relaxed, happy, smooth, whatever you want to do. Don’t be a nervous hummingbird. Be relaxed as ever; just make sure that your steps take you to your destination and not to the corner of the room.

Fourth, this does not really apply online. Instant messaging your crush as soon as she logs on Facebook gives you none of the social points that real, in-person courage does. This post is about real, face-to-face interactions, parties, and situations.

Fifth, the rules of handling rejection still apply. If a woman rejects you, she rejects you–don’t hesitate in leaving, either. Don’t stick around a woman who’s uncomfortable with you because you think you’re being assertive and decisive.

tl;dr: When entering in a new situation, get moving, and start enjoying yourself right away. If no one at the wedding is dancing, stand up and shake it. If you see a beautiful woman you want to approach, approach her before you talk yourself out of it. If she rejects you, move on. Don’t be an observer in the arena of life; be bold and watch how rich life can be.