A Primer on Abundance and Scarcity Mentalities

You’ve seen me talk about “abundance” and “scarcity” mentality a lot. It’s not an original idea of mine. In fact, a lot of people talk about it. Which makes sense, since it’s rather fundamental to everything you do in life, this question of where your focus lies.

So let’s start with a definition:

The difference between abundance mentality and scarcity mentality is where your focus lies–on abundance or scarcity.

Notice that his definition doesn’t say that you have to have abundance to focus on abundance, or that you have to have scarcity to focus on scarcity. It’s simply a definition of focus, where you’re aimed. That’s it.

If that doesn’t sound important, consider how important it is for a ship crossing the Atlantic Ocean to be aimed in the right direction, whether or not it’s actually close to land.

Those of you who have read “How a Suave Man Handles Rejection” have already seen a pretty hilarious demonstration of what the abundance mentality might look like to someone getting dumped:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=tbZuqA5V4U8#t=20

Sure, it’s a funny clip…but isn’t the idea of being that okay with being dumped kind of appealing?

I think so. But to understand how it’s possible to remain a positive outlook even in the face of rejection, we have to dive deeper into the difference between two fundamental ways of viewing the world: the abundance mentality and the scarcity mentality.

Scarcity Mentality: “So, There’s This One Woman…”

http://i.imgur.com/4ZgCxEG.png

A lot of guys come to places like /r/getsuave asking questions that start out like, “so, there’s this one woman….” or “how do I talk to this woman in my class…” or “how do I ask this one individual out without peeing my pants?”

They’re all valid questions.

The answers, though, tend to be a little more complicated. It’s like if someone came to /r/fitness and said, “so, how do I get a six-pack?” The answer tends to be, “well, you can work out your ab muscles, but what’s really important is that you lose fat there. And to do that, you have to lose bodyfat everywhere, because that’s how bodyfat works.”

Similarly, the answer to “so, there’s this one woman…” type questions tends to be “you can do X and Y, but really what’s important is that you have an abundance mentality so that you’ll be relaxed, fun, and the best possible version of yourself. And even then, she still might reject you [Nick Sparks’ 60/40 principle], so you need to have an abundance mentality anyway.”

It’s not the “sexy” answer, but I believe it to be the correct one.

In short, you have to stop living in the world of the dream woman. Love is not, and has never been, infatuation. Hell, the Greeks used to write myths about the perils of infatuation. It’s a rule as old as time, and yet you’ll still get guys asking “Well, there’s this one woman…” type questions. They seem to think, “I know that I should have the abundance mentality, but when it comes to this one woman, how can I be perfect so that I’ll never have to talk to any other woman again and all of my problems will be solved?”

The world doesn’t work like that.

Stop Playing Just One Game

Most guys live in this fantasy world where they can go 1/1, finish their life with a 100% success rate, marry their dream girl, live happily ever after, and…well, you get where I’m going here.

The problem?

http://i.imgur.com/VAzNh01.png

You don’t have to attach any emotional significance to any one particular social interaction if you don’t want to. Hell, most women would prefer you didn’t.

Think of it like this: if you consider yourself a good chess player and you sit down at a chess tournament, you’re going to be nervous. You’re going to stress out over every move, second-guess yourself, and try to play a perfect game - otherwise, you’re out. No more chess tournament for you.

But you can also be a good chess player and play online anonymously. There, you don’t care about losing quite as much. You want to win, sure, but you’re mainly interested in having fun. There’s always another chess game to play, at the click of a button.

Now ask yourself this: do you always perform better when you micromanage yourself, as in the former case?

Hell no! If anything, you perform worse. There are entire books written about this phenomenon. Occasionally, you might “rise to the occasion,” and that’s great, but when you rise to the occasion, you’re typically focused on all of the good things that can result from winning and not all of the negative consequences of losing.

It works the same way with social interactions, if not moreso. People - women in particular - can smell neediness and desperation a mile away.

The guys who are playing the “I just need to succeed right here and right now so I never have to try again” game are counting on a 100% success rate: 1/1. Does it happen sometimes? Sure. But that doesn’t make you suave. It makes you lucky.

Signs and Manifestations of Scarcity Mentality

Truth be told, I think scarcity mentality manifests in the whole gamut of negative emotions: envy, jealousy, fear, anxiety, nerves, anger, etc. There are so many signs of scarcity mentality that I can’t even hope to try and explain them all here. But here are some of the most common ones I’ve come across since starting this sub:

• The “So, there’s this one woman…” question. The answer, 90% of the time, is “ask her out.” If that’s not enough for you, you either have some highly unique circumstances, or you’re making excuses because you don’t want to risk rejection. After all, why risk rejection when you place your full hopes in this woman? You will just end up…
• Taking a rejection really hard. If Seinfeld is our example of how a man with abundance mentality handles rejection, scarcity is the exact opposite. It takes rejection really personally. And why wouldn’t it? If you’ve placed 100% of your faith on any one person’s opinion of you, and that person disapproves of you, guess what? You’ve just lost 100% of your confidence. Stop investing so much in the first place.
• Tolerating crap. If you’re tolerating crap, it’s only because you don’t think you can do any better. Think about it this way: if you had the abundance mentality of George Clooney, would you ever stand around and let a woman insult you, belittle you, or order you around? Hell no. You’d get the hell out of dodge because you don’t need that shit. Do not tolerate rude, insulting, or aggressive behavior, even if she looks like Helen of Troy.
• Pursuing women who aren’t all that interested in you. I see it everywhere. “champagnehouse, I asked this woman out…but she says she’s busy. What should I do?” Move the hell on with your life. If she’s interested, she’ll contact you. Otherwise, she’s not interested enough to treat you like a basic human being with a social calendar of his own…why are you sticking around? Because you have no other options–or, at least, that’s what your scarcity mentality is telling you.

Abundance Mentality: “Plenty of Fish in the Sea”

Ahh, it’s refreshing just typing the words “abundance mentality” after dealing with all that scarcity.

When you have the abundance mentality, you tend to see life as a winning game no matter what happens. You’re fine being rejected because “hey, we weren’t a match - and there are other women out there who are.”

Imagine being a rich Hollywood celebrity. Everywhere you go, women approach you, flirt with you. Hell, even the coffee barista writes down her phone number on your cup–and that’s just Monday in your life. If you were this person, how would you walk around? You’d feel pretty damn good, right?

“But I’m not a Hollywood celebrity! I can’t feel abundant if I don’t have anything in my life!” Okay, Mr. Scarcity mentality, let’s think about how badly you really have it, shall we?

• If you’re reading this, you’re one of the most educated than billions of people who can’t read at all.
• If you have money in the bank and in your wallet, you’re among the wealthiest people on the planet.
• If you aren’t worrying about where you’ll get your next meal, there are millions of starving people who would kill to switch spots with you.

You’re already living an abundant lifestyle. Where’s your gratitude?

You might say, “Okay, champagnehouse, but we’re talking about abundance with women here, and I’ve never even had a girlfriend.”

Once again, the problem is your focus, not the actual substance of your love life. So let’s get to work shifting this focus.

Seeing Everything as Win-Win, Even the Losses

there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

-Shakespeare

Here’s a lesson in abundance mentality from Thomas Edison.

There is opportunity in everything if you choose to see it. Sure, there are more opportunities in some places than others. But if you’re looking for abundance rather than scarcity, you’ll find it…just as you’ll find the scarcity if you’re looking for that, too.

Approached a beautiful woman at the supermarket and got rejected? Let’s think about the positives in that scenario: one, you learned that she wasn’t interested. That’s information gained. You’ll never have to wonder “what might have been.” You know. Two, you exercised your confidence muscle. Three, you learned that rejection doesn’t stop your heart or steal the breath from your lungs. You’ll be ready for the next time. Four, you acted in according with your desires as a man, which is more than you can say for 99% of the population as a whole. Five…hell, it’s starting to sound like it was a good thing she rejected you at this point. You’re almost thankful for it. And if she was interested…well, win-win.

Do you see what a shift in focus can do for not only your social vibe, but for your life in general?

Try to find the “win-win” in everything, particularly taking new chances in your social life. Go for that kiss, because the “win-win” is that she kisses back, or alternatively she lets you know that she’s not interested in you in that way. Now you can stop wasting your time.

If it seems to you like we’re just “reframing” rejection, that’s true…but only to an extent. The truth is that there are good things in many of these negative events, just as it was true that there was something good about every one of Edison’s failures. Something is “win-win” because you cannot control how she feels about you. Either she kisses back, or she tells you she’s not feeling it - if she wasn’t feeling it in the first place, then going for the kiss was a good idea because you found out that it’s not going anywhere.

“But, what if I could have kissed her at a different point? What if I could have done something differently so she would have liked me?”

You’re violating one of the fundamental principles of suaveness: you’re trying to control something that is out of your control.

David Deida, in his book “The Way of the Superior Man,” says “choose a woman who chooses you.”

That’s all you can do. You have to see if she chooses you.

“But I really liked this girl!”

Get that scarcity mindset shit out of here. What were you going to do, hypnotize her so she did like you?

Signs and Manifestations of Abundance Mentality

• Relaxation. The less you invest emotionally in any one interaction, the more you’re relaxed. Suddenly, social events feel more natural to you, as though you’re hanging out with old friends with no pressure. You always know that there are more women out there, more friends to be made, more social opportunities to be found…so you stop thinking about this one specific interaction as a “1/1” opportunity.
• Confidence and assertiveness. Once you begin to see the world in a certain light, you no longer have the same old fears that were holding you back in the first place. Suddenly, it becomes a fun notion to go see if that woman would like to go out on a date with you. It’s fun to go for that kiss to see if she’s feeling you as much as you’re feeling here. You feel positively giddy about the world around you and the ample opportunities it provides.
• Not taking crap. When you’re abundant, you’re willing to lay down the law if someone is breaking your personal boundaries. And why not? They’re just one part of the abundance that already exists in your life; if they don’t like it, they can find someone else to be rude to.

Abundance mentality and scarcity mentality don’t care what you actually have. You can feel scarce and depressed despite being one of the wealthiest, well-off people on the planet. You can feel abundant despite being a poor dude who’s never had a girlfriend. What matters is where your focus goes. Are you focused on the opportunities, the win-win situations, and the abundance in life…or are you focused on failure, lack, and want?

Guess which option makes you more fun to hang around.