Social Proof: The Key to Charisma and Attraction

One of my friends used to work in a coffee shop. You know, one of those little indie places where hipsters come to eschew the big chains. The pay wasn’t very good, but her boss said that she could put out a tip jar as long as she didn’t ask customers to contribute to it.

So she did. She took an empty jar from home, found a post-it note, and wrote on it with big permanent marker: “TIPS.”

The first day, no one even noticed it.

She tried a bunch of things, moving the jar forward, putting it on top of the register, even changing the style of marker she used. Occasionally someone dropped in a buck. But she still couldn’t just point to it or ask people to tip her.

Then, one day, when she picked up someone else’s evening shift, one of her co-workers showed her the secret to getting more tips without asking for them. He took out a five-dollar bill and a few singles from his wallet and dropped them in the tip jar at the beginning of their shift.

Customers saw the jar, saw that people had been dropping money in, and figured that they were expected to do the same.

By the end of that day, the tip jar was almost full of ones and fives.

When it comes to your social life, you can approach people in one of two ways: with your tip jar empty or you tip jar already full of cash. Which do you think is better?

Social Proof: A Definition

Social proof is a concept that goes back to Robert Cialdini’s “Persuasion” and beyond. It’s “the oldest trick in the book.” It’s why Gatorade pays millions to athletes to drink their sugar water, and it’s why people keep on buying it. We tend to value things based on their perceived social value, and often not on their actual value.

On a more basic level, social proof simply refers to the idea that people judge social value based on social cues.

Consider this parable from Game of Thrones:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31o-Sji2Hr4&safe=active

Varys: Three great men sit in a room. A king, a priest, and a rich man. Between them stands a common sellsword. Each great man bids the sellsword kill the other two. Who lives, who dies?

Tyrion: Depends on the sellsword.

Varys: Does it? He has neither crown, nor gold, nor favor with the gods.

Tyrion: He has the sword - the power of life and death.

Varys: But if it’s swordsmen who rule, why do we pretend kings hold all the power? [Spoilers spoilers]

Tyrion: I’ve decided I don’t like riddles.

Varys: Power resides where men believe it resides. It’s a trick. A shadow on the wall.

Replace “power” with “being charismatic, suave, or ‘cool’” and you begin to see what’s going on here.

How about an illustration?

Consider the Dos Equis guy.

• Here’s him dressed like a human being. If you saw this picture without any context, you’d assume that he’s a handsome old man…normal, nothing else.
• What if you dress him up? If you saw this picture without context, you’d make an entirely different set of assumptions based on his clothes, the way he’s groomed, the expression on his face, etc. You would assume that THIS man, if you saw it independent of the first picture, lives a very different kind of life.
• Now let’s complete the picture. He’s smiling, with the approval of two attractive women. If you saw this guy in a bar, you’d come up with an entirely new set of assumptions: he’s a playboy, he’s always having a good time, his life is good.

Same guy, different contexts. Different social proof.

How to Increase Your Basic Social Proof

Basically, all you have to do to build basic social proof from the ground up is to talk to people in a friendly way, and do it a lot:

• Take up a variety of social activities. This will help you meet tons of people in general, and the fact that you always have something to “do” will give you an added aura of being busy, which is always good.
• Talk to everyone. If you’re in college, talk to the people near you before class starts - especially on that first day of class when people are just forming their impressions of each other. Be normal, and that’s all. Don’t fret about talking to the beautiful woman across from you; talk to her and the guy next to you and the old commuter behind you. You’ll be considered talkative and “popular” from the very first and you’ve barely taken any time out of your day. This applies everywhere you go; treat everyone as equals, all worthy of your time and energy.
• Don’t be a spectator. Perhaps the most important. You know those guys at weddings who sit in the corner and watch everyone nervously, holding their beer as if the beer was their best friend in the world and their sole protector? Don’t be that guy. Get up and participate in the social event you’re attending, even if it’s just to say quick hellos to people. In any given situation, it’s the spectators with the lowest social proof around. You want to be a partipant in your own life; so be it.
• The warm goodbye. Why does the “warm goodbye” work so well? Because people are always looking for social cues to gauge your value. If they see you get “rejected,” they’ll think you’re not all that great. But if they see you talk to a group of women and exit on a friendly note, that changes the entire context, doesn’t it?
• Take care of your looks. Hygiene, strength, fitness, etc. People, for better or worse, judge books by their cover. You may be a great book, but it doesn’t hurt to optimize your cover as much as you can.

Of course, now we’re touching on what I believe to be the single most powerful element of being “suave,” “charismatic,” or whatever you want to call it: innate social proof.

Innate Social Proof: The “Girlfriend” Paradox

Ever see the movie Shallow Hal?

In the movie, Hal starts out as shallow. He loves only beautiful women, so he’s a little pushy and desperate around them. In particular, he goes on a date with his neighbor across the hall Jill, who finally rebuffs his advances.

Then, Hal is hypnotized by Tony Robbins into seeing only the inner beauty in women. He starts having massive success with women because he’s lowered his standards even though he doesn’t know it…he’s capable of dating anyone because he stopped getting in his own way. He finds Gwyneth Paltrow’s character and comes to ignore Jill…who’s so turned on by his newfound nonchalance that she eventually asks him out.

Shallow Hal didn’t necessarily have a ton of “social proof” because he wasn’t living it up with beautiful women a la the Dos Equis guy. But what he did have was a ton of innate social proof, because in his mind, he had all the beautiful women he could handle. He no longer cared about Jill. He forgave her for rejecting him and went about his life.

She doesn’t see Hal around beautiful women…but the fact that he acts as though his life is full of beautiful women is enough for her. She thinks, “there’s something changed about this guy…”

That’s innate social proof. Social proof you don’t see, but you feel.

Okay, yeah, Shallow Hal is just a movie. But it’s a pretty common phenomenon with guys who have a girlfriend: the “girlfriend paradox.”

The girlfriend paradox: When you have a girlfriend, you lose the neediness of looking at other women as potential mates. Suddenly, attractive women seem to respond well to you. “Dammit,” you think. “Why can’t women do this when I’m single?”

Because there’s a subtle shift in your vibe that you didn’t have when you were single.

The “girlfriend paradox” is a consequence of innate social proof: your own behaviors. Because you’re no longer needy or overtly seeking the approval of attractive women, they can “smell” the fact that you have other options…and, of course, a guy with options is more attractive than a guy without options.

Virgins of the world, are you ready for a bombshell?

You do not need to have a girlfriend for this to work.

Innate social proof is all about what you bring to any given interaction at any point. Consider our example of the Dos Equis guy above…in the second picture, he still has more “social proof” than in the first picture simply because of how he’s presenting himself.

This is why I tell you to be as normal as possible around beautiful women. This is why “be yourself” is good dating advice.

When you approach women with no neediness, they automatically assume you have something else going on in your life. If you walk up to a supermodel being the same awesome guy you are with your best friend, she goes “oh, this guy doesn’t need my approval, he acts like he already has the approval of beautiful women in his life. There must be beautiful women in his life.”

Innate social proof.

Jason Treu, in an online presentation, once made this point: if you already had the five most beautiful women constantly texting you, asking you out, and buying you gifts, how would you behave when you entered new social interactions?

The typical fears and neediness would wash away. Left behind would only be you: your normal, cool, relaxed self…and maybe, since you already feel fulfilled in this area of your life, you might spice up interactions with a little bit of fun, just to amuse yourself.

So many women are approached constantly by guys who place them on a pedestal; to those lonely and creepy guys, this woman represents a singular chance to rescue themselves out of loneliness and desparation. But every once in a while, a guy approaches them that doesn’t have this air of neediness about him; he comes to the interaction feeling “pre-fulfilled.” Something is different about him. He gives off the vibe that he already has what she’s selling, and so she assumes that that’s the case.

It isn’t just with women. People make these same assumptions thanks to social proof…innate or otherwise. It’s the way we’re wired, as social creatures, because we don’t always have a lot of information to go on.

What information are you sending out to the world?

How to Increase Your Innate Social Proof

Basically all of GetSuave is about this very subject, but let’s throw a few basic points out there:

• Be normal, poised, and relaxed in extraordinary circumstances. This is what’s so damn suave about James Bond; when we see him talk to a stunning woman like Vesper Lynd or execute a perfect car chase, we know that his life is always full of this kind of adventure because he’s not awe-struck by any of it. If you’re normal, poised, and relaxed around everyone…beautiful women, included…then, trust me, you won’t be lonely for long.
• Always try to have fun. Fun-seeking is the mark of someone who’s already fulfilled with their life and wants to experience pleasure. Other people who aren’t fulfilled or satisfied are caught up in their worries, insecurities, and fears about who will approve of them. Start out with the assumption that everyone approves of you and look to make every interaction as fun as possible.
• Start picturing yourself as pre-fulfilled. Don’t walk into a room looking to vampire the life-force and energy and social validation of others; walk into a room already feeling it from within. This isn’t always easy, but it’s necessary if you want to have the best possible social interactions.
• End interactions first. Men, memorize this phrase: “Okay, I’ve got to run.” It’s a magical phrase that will give your presence more of a charge, because people will realize that you value your time. You don’t say why you’re leaving first, you don’t say “Okay, I’ve got to go back to living my awesome life of women, wine, and song…” but there’s something a little high-value implied when you’re usually the first to end an interaction. Make this a regular habit and you’ll notice that people start to value your time more.

What Social Proof is Not

It is not a reason to talk to only “high-value” people. Remember: innate social proof works wonders. You don’t have to have Kate Upton on your arm to be considered cool; all you have to do is treat everyone around you well and people will automatically perceive the coolness that already exists. Do not use the concept of social proof as an excuse to stop being kind and generous to everyone.

Social proof is not bragging. It never works like that. You can’t “brag” your way to social proof. Social proof has to be real, demonstrable, or innate to the way you do things. Social proof is dancing with a beautiful woman; it’s not saying “I dance with a lot of beautiful women!” Don’t try to “hack” your way to social proof. Live it.

Social proof is not being someone you’re not. It’s easy for people to tell when you’re being genuine and when you’re not, which is why I place such an emphasis on being normal and relaxed. But it’s okay. Yes, you might make some mistakes when trying to “act cool” when talking to others, but sometimes doing it isn’t always as easy as talking about it. But keep striving to be as normal and friendly as possible as a general rule and trust that social proof - innate and otherwise - will do the rest.

tl;dr The rich get richer. This is true in social value as it is in finances.