The Power of Being Normal

Want to be suave? Then be normal and relaxed and everything else will fall into place.

It’s not the sexiest tip, I know. People want to be smooth, charming, exceptional. And they think that to be exceptional, they need to act in a certain “suave” way to win people over.

The problem: people can tell when you’re behaving in an inauthentic way to gain their approval. They feel this unspoken “wall” between you two, and they shut off, consciously or unconsciously.

Stop being a salesman. Assume that you’re already valuable enough to be worth talking to.

Start off from a place of “I am worth talking to.”

When you do that, you drop all of the “game” mentality, you relax, and you start to treat people the way you treat your friends–like a normal person.

It’s not a sexy tip, but believe me when I say it’s a damn powerful way to walk around.

Approaching New People Is Already Confident and Suave

Repeat after me: walking up to someone and introducing yourself is already confidence enough. That’s all you need to be suave.

Many people assume that in order to appear confident and suave, they need to pull off all of these amazing social tricks and techniques. Rubbish!

When you walk up to someone and introduce yourself in a relaxed, normal way–guess what? You’re already coming across as confident. It requires confidence to do that. No extra confidence required!

The problem is too many guys go way overboard and assume they need to be a stand-up comedian or James Bond to win people over after they’ve already introduced themselves. This thought that you need to win people over is part of what’s driving them away. By approaching them as someone who needs to be sold the concept of you, you’re activating something within them that says “wait…something weird is going on here…I don’t know why, but I need to withhold my approval.”

If, however, you walk up to them and act like they’re already won over and therefore you don’t need to use any special tricks or techniques…well, that alarm doesn’t go off. Instead they think, “finally, a refreshingly cool guy who isn’t trying to ‘sell’ me on himself.”

You see, you were the one who introduced himself. You already get suave points just for doing that. That’s exceptional, because lots of people have trouble doing exactly that. Let the confidence of simply walking up be enough suaveness for one interaction. After that, relax and enjoy the conversation.

Guys, you must start from a place of “I am already enough, I am worth knowing.” If you don’t, you can try every technique in the world and it won’t work because people will smell the desperation for approval underneath it.

Treat Everyone Like They’re Already Your Friend

What’s the secret to making friends?

Treat people like they’re your friends.

You can find a nice post about this very subject over at /r/socialskills. In the post, /u/IAMA_BANANA_AMA states that he goes about making friends simply by starting out by acting like people are already his friends:

Start talking to them like you know them, standard info can be exchanged later.

Eventually he introduces himself…but immediately goes back into the friendly type of banter we usually reserve for people we already know.

The key here? He didn’t approach someone with the need to win their approval. He approached someone with their approval as already assumed.

Even the most shy among us can be goofy, fun, and extroverted when we’re around people we trust the most. It’s a role we play because we know that the other person expects us to be ourselves.

What if you treated everyone this way? You’d be your normal self all the time.

When women say “be yourself,” they are not lying to you. They want you to drop the bullshit approval-seeking and be refreshingly normal.

Want Suave Points? Stay Normal and Relaxed Even in Tough Situations

Okay, you like the idea of being normal, of treating people like they’re already your friends. You get it. But still, you figure this is /r/getsuave and you you want to learn be extraordinary. What can you do?

The art of being suave is the art of being normal in extraordinary circumstances.

What makes James Bond exciting and hilarious? It’s that he keeps his sense of normal even in the most thrilling, ludicrously Hollywood of circumstances. When the pressure goes up, Bond doesn’t become suaver, he simply stays relaxed. When he’s captured, he stays so relaxed that his energies are focused on puns. We end up interpreting that as suave, but really it’s just staying himself when the heat goes up.

Yeah, James Bond is cool, but what really separates his smooth style from ordinary non-fictional folks is how cool he remains under pressure.

Maybe you won’t be abducted by an evil organization any time soon, but you can still strive to stay relaxed and poise when you feel the social pressure going up. Don’t focus on being something you’re not; focused on being the relaxed version of you.

For Women Who Get Approached a Lot, Normal is Refreshing and Even Attractive

I remember being at a bar once with my friends and talking to a group of beautiful women. I don’t remember what I said; just that I was as normal as possible; cracking jokes because that’s what I do with my friends. I put on no airs of “you are a beautiful woman and I am a man so we are inherently separate.” Instead I treated them like every other person in my life.

When I got back to my friends, though, they were astounded by the reactions I’d gotten. “What did you say to them, dude?” “Did you use any lines?” “What’s your secret?”

Honestly, I didn’t even remember what I said. It wasn’t that important to me at the time. I just treated them like I’d treat anyone else who I was talking to; tried to crack some jokes, have a good time, and that’s it.

That’s when I realized there is no “secret” except removing the thick wall of bullshit you place between you and other people.

I simply talked to the women like they were already my friends. And how do I behave around friends? I don’t filter myself, I look to crack jokes when I can, and I just say whatever comes to mind.

Believe it or not, this is even more powerful when you talk to exceptional women. Many women live in a world where men ogle them, catcall them, and change their behavior around them. Some men swagger and brag to overcompensate; others lock up and get withdrawn.

What do you do?

You treat them like equals.

You talk to them as if you’re talking to an old friend. You don’t put on any airs. You crack your lame jokes because you assume that they’ll like them, the same way you feel comfortable cracking lame jokes around your friends. You realize there are no “right things to say,” but rather a “right way to behave,” which is to say, normal and relaxed.

The consequence is, you put off a vibe that says “I am enough” and “I am comfortable in my skin.” You put off a vibe that says “I just approached an intimidatingly beautiful woman, and I’m so comfortable with myself that I just act normal.”

When you treat people like friends and don’t put on these airs, there’s a subcommunication about you that people will love. They see you being yourself and think, “well, this guy so expects other people to accept him that he’s even a little vulnerable. Clearly, he must have lots of friends and stuff going on in his life.*

What started out just as treating other people normally and in a relaxed way ended up coming across as…dare I say it…sort of suave.

Being Normal Says all of the Right Things

You know how I said you want to start from the right place when you talk to exceptional women? And how I said you want to assume you’re in the same league as them?

Being normal accomplishes that.

Think about it for a moment. When you approach people with the attitude of “if I’m just normal and treat them friendly, that’s enough,” what does that say about you?

• It says you expect people to like you. If you’re trying to “sell” them on you, it says you don’t expect them to like you unless you execute Seduction Maneuver #109 in proper order. Don’t do that! Be normal. This gets rid of the “desperate” vibe you’ve been putting off and instead feels like actual confidence.
• It says you already have a lot of friends. Innate social proof: people assume that how you act around them is how you act around everybody. If you’re cool and friendly, they assume you’re always cool and friendly, and therefore a guy who’s worth knowing. After all, if you’re always this cool and friendly, you must have a lot of connections, friends, and opportunities.
• It starts from the assumption that you are attractive enough. This is the assumption every man should make, yet 99% of them don’t. If you assume that being normal is enough and that women will like you, you start from a place of power and confidence, and not desperation.

Being Yourself is Highly Efficient

When a woman doesn’t get along with you and you’re being yourself, you know right away that you might not be compatible.

When someone befriends you when you’re being yourself, you know that they’re being friends because of who you are.

Being yourself is effective and efficient. It won’t end rejection. Sometimes you’ll find it hard not to tense up in social situations. Sometimes you’ll feel that you’re doing your best to stay relaxed and people don’t like you anyway.

But by doing your best to stay cool, normal, and relaxed, you’re doing yourself a favor: you’re weeding out the people who wouldn’t have gotten along with you anyway.

Abandon the need to “bat 1.000” with the people you talk to. Most people are friendly; some people aren’t. No amount of charm or sophistication is ever going to change that. It’s far more efficient to be yourself and let the people who are more compatible with you reveal themselves in turn.

tl;dr

• “Be yourself.” It’s awesome, awesome advice that gets a terrible rap. Treat people like they’re already your friends, which means being comfortable being yourself.
• Don’t sell yourself. Walking up to new people at a party or an event and introducing yourself is already ballsy; you don’t need extra confidence on top of that. Just be normal and relaxed and people will still view you as a sociable, confident person.
• Remain poised even in times of high stress. It’s the secret to James Bond’s confidence. Maybe you won’t be kidnapped by evil organizations, but you can still keep your normalcy and poise when talking to beautiful women, or giving a speech, etc. Poise in high-pressure situation is interpreted as confidence, and all it takes is relaxing yourself.
• You’ll get bonus points from exceptional women. If anything, people who are used to overcompensations and walls of expectation will be refreshed when they see someone treating them like they’re any old friend. If you don’t think this is enough to attract exceptional women, you haven’t done it.
• Being normal says all the right things about yourself. Being normal requires more confidence than you might know. It requires some vulnerability (cracking those lame jokes you’d normally reserve for friends) and it requires putting yourself out there. That’s all the confidence you require–anything else is just overcompensating.
• “Act like you’ve been there before.” Ever hear this advice in the context of sports celebrations? It says, don’t dance and celebrate after scoring a touchdown. Well, when you’re with other people, act like you’ve been there before.

Treat everyone like friends and be your normal, relaxed self and it will change your social life.