Notes on Nick Sparks' "How to Approach Anyone"

If you saw my notes on Nick Sparks’ How to Hold Conversation Like a Man, you know how fundamental I think some of his ideas can be to the idea of building suaveness.

Well, he’s back. And so am I. This time, the topic is simply getting out of your shell and doing the approaching that has to be done if you want to talk to beautiful women who aren’t currently in your life. Let’s do this again.

This video talks about the fundamental mindsets you need to have to break out of your shell and talk to everyone and to beautiful women specifically. I highly recommend you watch it if you struggle with approach anxiety.

TL;DR Principles

• Stop believing that all of your results revolve around you. When you place too much value on a situation (leading to nerves, like a job interview, or approaching a beautiful woman), you tend to go into those childlike habits of self-centered thinking. If it goes wrong, you then say, “What’s wrong with ME?” But when you’re relaxed, such as talking to a woman you’re not attracted to, and she rejects you, you go “Hm, I wonder what’s wrong with her that she’s so cold today.”
• Quit overcomplicating an approach in order to gain more control over it. We do this because we’re scared. So we want to think that if we can just figure out the puzzle, we can never be scared of rejection again. Ditch that line of thinking. Just go out and look for women who are into you.
• 60/40 Principle: 60/40 principle: for all human beings, their reactions tend to be 60% them, 40% you. Ever talk to someone in a bad mood? Do you really think you had a lot to do with that? Don’t take anything so personally. Also, sometimes, when people ARE into you, it’s because they’re available/in a good mood/ on the prowl, etc.
• Drop ‘hooks.’ Look at approaches as just dropping hooks, seeing if the fish are biting. Look to see if she’s into you. If not, no biggie, you discovered that info, just move on.
• Having “nothing to say” is a symptom of clouded thinking. Around women you’re not attracted to, this is never an issue. It shouldn’t be an issue with women you are attracted to, because you know the 60-40 principle is at play.

How to Approach Anyone

Nick starts the speech proper at 0:49

Why Learn to Approach People?

2:00

You don’t “need” approaching. Think about how many people in your life actually–on a consistent basis–are stepping outside of their social circle and talking to random strangers and getting positives, jovial reactions?

How many people do you know that actually regularly walk up to women and get attraction, etc?

The vast majority of people don’t possess this ability. Most people go their entire lives maybe just occasionally talking to a stranger, and meeting people through social circles, online dating, etc.

4:25

Well, why shouldn’t we want to be in the top 1% of individuals in terms of social skills?

Think about those moments in life where you came across a beautiful woman–so beautiful, in fact, that your heart skipped a beat. Coffee shop, party, whatever. Then she leaves, and you’re left wondering what could have been.

People think “if I just had the right thing to say,” their problems with doing this would be fixed.

5:43

Two ways to go through life:

• Dictating what happens, what you get.
• Meh, whatever life hands to you.

6:20

This skill, this ability to approach women, builds our ability to live a life on our terms, seeking new opportunities that wouldn’t be present to us otherwise.

7:00

Even if you’ve approached before, are you really confident in your ability to see that stunning woman and approach her without hesitation? Are you satisfied with your ability to approach consistently?

7:15

As a coach, Nick says that if there’s one thing he hears more than anything else, it’s…

I Want more opportunities and I’m sick and tired of letting those opportunities pass me by.

That’s why I’m talking about this today.

The First Big Mistake that Most Men Struggling with Approaching Make

8:55

If you’re not consistently approaching women, you’re generally making at least one of these two mistakes.

10:23

The important thing about these two mistakes it that they are universal. There’s not a human being who hasn’t felt one of these problems before. It’s normal to feel this way.

11:15

MISTAKE: We always want to believe that the world revolves around us. As a child, you believe you’re the center of everything. You learn to relate to the world in terms of how it affects you. “What does this water do, and how does it affect me.” In our adult lives, we tend to grow out of these tendencies…however, in those times when we get nervous and put too much value on a situation, we have the tendency to revert back to this bad habit. We interpret exterior things simply in terms of how they relate to us.

12:35

HUGE POINT OF DEMONSTRATION. HUGE HUGE HUGE

For example, if you’re speaking to a woman you don’t find that attractive, and you talk to her, and she’s cold…what do you say to yourself?

You say “she’s not a very nice person.” The problem, you assume, is with HER.

Now pretend it’s a beautiful woman. If you talk to her and she’s cold, what do you say to yourself?

“She didn’t like me, I didn’t say the right thing, my line wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t funny enough, etc.”

When we place too much importance on the interaction, we become that child again. “What does this say about ME.” But what makes her so special?

14:28

The 60/40 Principle.

Any time you get some sort of reaction out of another human being…60% of it has nothing to do with you. The vast majority has to do with her. Where she’s at. What her upbringing was like, how social she is, what her mood is, how great she is at coming up with a witty comeback when a stranger approaches. Not all women, contrary to belief, are perfect specimens of banter and confidence.

40% is still under your control, stuff you can do to influence that situation.

But why is it that when you get a bad response from a beautiful woman, your impression is, ‘what did I do wrong?”

16:30

For approaching, it might be like 80-20 rather than 60-40. 60-40 is a general principle he uses for all interactions.

17:10

Why feel dejected when a woman demonstrates that she’s not capable of having a basic social conversation? In the first five-ten seconds, all she can do is tell you about herself and the night she’s having.

Don’t take it personally, it has way less to do with you than you think. It does have to do with you, but not that much.

This applies to positive reactions, too. Sometimes women are just in the mood and single and on the prowl and she ran a little game on you as well.

The Second Big Mistake that Most Men Struggling with Approaching Make

19:00

MISTAKE: Trying to control a situation in order to alleviate fear. “If I just had that line,” “If I just knew what to say so I could minimize rejection,” “if I could get enough skills so rejection was a low chance…”

Here’s the difference between no fear of approaching and tons of fear approaching.

The former says “rejection is just part of the game…I’m going to get rejected. It’s okay if it’s a number’s game.” Not trying to control it.

They know the 60-40 principle.

Rather than coming up with as many ways to minimize the chance of rejection, they simply try it.

21:25

So much of this “dating industry” is predicated on minimizing the chance of rejection, of mitigating fear. Do you really have to “win her over”?

NO. She decides whether she likes you quickly.

Don’t try to win her over. Don’t try to convince her. If you hang out with her long enough and she’s going to like you, then it’s going to happen naturally.

23:30

On the approach, here are the essential things:

• Are you smiling?
• Are you looking them in the eyes?
• Can they hear you?

That’s essentially the “40%” you need to worry about.

The rest of it is up to them. Really, try it.

24:00

Nick uses the term “dropping a hook.”

If you go fishing, you go “sometimes the fish just aren’t biting. Maybe I’ll try some other things,” but you don’t go “I suck at fishing.”

25:00

Don’t overcomplicate! Sometimes women will just like you. The only thing that makes things complicated is your doubt, insecurity, fear, etc.

Drop hooks.

What have you lost? You’re not taking it personally. And because you’re not wasting your time trying to dig out a good reaction when one will never come…you have more time to focus on people who ARE giving you good reactions.

Stop approaching girls and just start dropping hooks everywhere you go.

26:30

His favorite “hook” in the world:

Just making eye contact. He just wants to find out, “what’s this girl’s deal.”

You never know. Sometimes women have Resting Bitch Face and turn out to be really friendly. Sometimes it’s the opposite. You just never know until you try.

27:50

He makes eye contact with a lot of people as practice.

28:55

Here’s how you know you’re doing it right. It should feel awkward and funny on the inside. If you’re not pushing it, you might not be making enough eye contact.

After all, if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll always get the same results.

What Should You Say?!!

Have you ever had a woman into you when you weren’t into her?

Did you worry about what to say? No.

30:00

Sorry to disappoint here, but you’re already asking the wrong question.

The ultimate fallacy: thinking that she will not like you just for being the person you are. Believing you have to say something clever to get her to like you.

Nick Sparks, right here, basically embraces this GetSuave sophisticated visual aid.

Guys think they have to be all funny, charming, superstar charisma, etc. in order to win women over. But women want to feel as though they won you over. THEY want to be the sexy one, the desirable one.

32:30

All you gotta do is put yourself out there. Put yourself in a woman’s path and give her the chance to impress you.

Give women the chance to hook you.

36:00

Some days you’re going to want to give up. It’s never going to go away, the idea that you’re wasting your time, the frustration, it will occasionally creep back up when you’re on a cold streak. But this is basically an illusion–it’s all about reminding yourself of that simple shit that gets clouded in the doubts.

Focus on the simple thing: dropping a lot of hooks, for example.

All you can ever do is use the present moment to try to move forward. Be better today than you were yesterday.

Stop making everything so complicated.

Cheers.

End of the speech proper.

38:00

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