Notes on Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People," Part I

I cannot understate the value of Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” It was first published in 1936, but human beings haven’t really changed since then, so most of the advice is not outdated, but universal to social skills.

You can get it for about ten bucks online or probably buy it used somewhere for like a buck. It will be one of the best investments you ever make.

If you need one book to become suave, this is the one I would recommend.

The book is well-organized, divided into sections, then chapters (usually with a story that illustrates the chapter’s key point), and then featuring review points at the end of each chapter. He even starts off with a section on how to read it. Really. If you’re socially anxious and terrible at talking to people, no book quite holds your hand through the process of growing smooth and confident like this one does.

Part One: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

Chapter One: If You Want to Gather Honey, Don’t Kick Over the Beehive

• Everyone thinks they’re great. Carnegie illustrates this by showing that even demented criminals have the instinct to defend and justify their actions. Al Capone viewed himself as someone who helped others. The conclusion? It is foolish to scold people, as they’ll defend themselves internally, reject your criticisms, and only grow to resent you.
• Criticism only creates resentment. Don’t tell people how to better do things; they will resent your criticism rather than fawn over your knowledge, because your criticism inherently insults them. George B. Johnston story. A construction manager wanted to get his employees to wear hardhats. They had to listen, but they would begrudge him his authority and resent his direct orders. So the next time he saw them without hard hats, he asked them if the hardhats were uncomfortable or didn’t fit properly. Reminded them they’re for safety/regulations, not because of his authority. Worked much better.
• Abraham Lincoln learned how to criticize effectively. Lincoln was smart and witty and could write scathing criticisms about people–until one day a criticism nearly led him into a duel. Despite his skill with criticizing, Lincoln stopped the practice altogether. Being smart doesn’t mean you can criticize, because often criticism is smart, but unwise. Be wise rather than smart. Ben Franklin, ambassador to France at one point, said his diplomatic success was due to speaking ill of no one.

Conclusion: Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.

Chapter Two: The Big Secret of Dealing With People

• The desire to be important motivates everyone. People love to be appreciated, they crave it. Everyone.
• Don’t flatter. It comes across as insincere. Don’t make up something that you like about someone; FIND IT. Find the truth. It is there. One manager motivated a janitor simply by finding the small things they did well, and the praising them in front of others. Eventually, the janitor did everything well. No criticism required.
• Leave a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude. Send your regards to the chef. Point out a kind clerk to a manager.

Conclusion: Give people honest and sincere appreciation.

Chapter Three: He Who Can Do this Has the Whole World WIth Him. He Who Cannot Walks a Lonely Way.

• Don’t fish with strawberries. Fish want a grasshopper or worm. The strawberry is better to the fisherman, but a wise fisherman thinks “what would I want if I were a fish?” Find out what people want.
• Story: Andrew Carnegie. Carnegie’s two nephews at Yale wouldn’t respond to their mom, so Carnegie bet their mom (his sister-in-law) that he could get them to respond to his letter without asking them to. In the letter he said “I’m enclsoing $5 for you.” Except he didn’t enclose it. They responded back, thanking him sweetly, and of course mentioning that the $5 hadn’t been there. Some (most) people are innately selfish. Think about what they want if you want them to do something.
• Story: Parents wanted to get their child interested in the prospect of kindergarten. So they thought about things that would interest him, like finger painting, and started doing it. When he wanted to join, they said “oh no, this is what you do in kindergarten.” Then the kid couldn’t wait to go.

Conclusion: Around in the other person an eager want.

Part Two: Ways to Make People Like You

Chapter One: Do This and You’ll Be Welcome Anywhere

• Dogs make friends everywhere they go. They’re excited and interested to meet people. They make people feel important.
• Be interested rather than interesting. Being interested in other people is the fastest way to ensure you make friends everywhere.
• When you see a photograph with you in it, which face do you look for first? People are wrapped up in themselves, including me and you. We want to be interesting to other people. Impressing people doesn’t make friends; allowing them to impress you will.
• Story: Teddy Roosevelt. One woman once asked T.R. about a bobwhite. So he would call her about them later, to tell her when to spot them. When he’d walk by and see them, he’d always call out hello. He remembered her interests and went out of his way to be friendly and genuinely interested in them.
• Birthdays. Carnegie would make a point of finding out peoples’ birthdays and marking it on his calendar, and calling them. In the days before Facebook, he was usually the only one to remember.

Conclusion: Become genuinely interested in other people.

Chapter Two: A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression

• Smile. Charles Schwab said his smile had earned him a million dollars in his life. When babies smile a genuine smile, we love it. Have as good a time meeting people as you can because it will make other people have a good time meeting YOU.
• If you don’t feel like smiling… Force yourself to. Act as if happy, and happiness will come. Action and feeling go together more than you think.
• Happiness depends on your attitude, not literal circumstances. “There is nothing either good or bad,” said Shakespeare, “but thinking makes it so.” Lincoln said “most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Happiness is a decision. Make it.
• Story: A shy lady decided simply to go to the water cooler and smile and say “Hi, how are you?” She faked it. She forced it. But people enjoyed it. That simple act of radiating happiness won her friends at her job.
• Chinese proverb: “A man without a smiling face must not open up a shop.”

Conclusion: Smile.

Chapter Three: If You Don’t Do This, You Are Headed for Trouble

• Story: Andrew Carnegie. As a kid, Andrew Carnegie got other kids to pick rabbit food for his rabbits by naming the rabbits in their honor. Free labor! Just because people love their own names. Later, when he did mergers, he allowed other people to use their names…even though the mergers were advantageous to Carnegie.
• If you work in customer service… learning someone’s name is the fastest way to their heart. It’s just one trick! And yet it personalizes yourself to them.
• Take time to learn peoples’ names. Even if you’re doing homework. In the days of Facebook, you have no excuse not to know the names of friends of friends, etc.
• Napoleon III’s Name-Learning Technique. If Napoleon III (not the original Bonaparte) didn’t get someone’s name, he would say “So sorry. I didn’t get the name clearly.” If it was an unusual name, he’d ask how it was spelled. Then he’d use the name several times in the conversation, and write it down as soon as he was alone. Boasted that he remembered the name of every person he met.
• Emerson quote: “Good manners are made of petty sacrifices.” Make petty sacrifices on behalf of other people, being generous with your time and energy, and people will love you for it.

Conclusion: Peoples’ favorite word in the English language is the sound of their own name.

Chapter Four: An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist

• Story: Dale Carnegie was once in a conversation where all he had to do to keep it going was ask a lady about her vacation.
• Be there and listen. Don’t think about the next thing to say. Listen to what they’re saying and it will be much easier anyway.

Conclusion: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

Chapter Five: How to Interest People

• Have things to say. Teddy Roosevelt would sometimes study up on a guest’s favorite subject before having that guest over to dinner. Homework doesn’t have to stop when school does. And remember: talk about what interests THEM, because people are often self-centered.
• A gentleman can talk about a range of interests, so that he can talk about YOURS. You’re being socially courteous by engaging someone in a subject in which they’re interested.
• Mutual interests are powerful because of this fact. Why do mutual interests make it so easy to win friends? Because you can easily talk about THEIR interests, because they’re YOUR interests. Become interested in anyone’s interests and guess what? You’ve got a friend.

Conclusion: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

Chapter Six: How to Make People Like You Instantly

• The Golden Rule. Treat other people how you’d like to be treated. Ever have someone like you, believe in you, believe you were special? Chances are you liked that person. Find what’s important and special about other people and you can make them feel great.
• Little gestures of respect. “I’m sorry to trouble you, but I ordered X instead of Y” will win you more affection than “GIMME Y.”
• Einsten quote. “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn from him.
• Before a formal sit-down, find common interest that makes the other person feel important. Inquiring about a hobby, or showing genuine curiosity for something you admire about them. Connect there first and then you can talk about business.

Conclusion: Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.

Conclusions Thus Far

Part One

• Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
• Give people honest and sincere appreciation.
• Around in the other person an eager want.

Part Two

• Become genuinely interested in other people.
• Smile.
• Peoples’ favorite word in the English language is the sound of their own name.
• Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
• Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
• Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.