Notes from Nick Sparks' "How to Hold Conversation Like a Man"

This is probably the single video I would refer to anyone who wants to be more charismatic and engaging personally.

The techniques contained therein are:

• Easy to implement.
• Require little effort–are more natural and fluid. Not gamey. Not chasing her, trying to impress, etc. That’s not how the truly suave roll.
• Require you to build a genuine connection with other people, and
• Come from the right principles (like “be the king, don’t be the jester”)

Absolutely essential material here, which is why I took the time out to take notes and organize the outline.

I’ve also added the specific time segments I’m referring to on the YouTube video.

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How to Hold Conversation Like a Man

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Starts speech at 2:37

Nick’s Amsterdam Story, Part I

Starts off with a story about what it means to take on a masculine role in a conversation with a woman:

Nick was in Amsterdam on vacation, staying at a hostel–highly recommends using those if you’re traveling alone. Met a lovely Romanian girl. A group of them were all sitting around, an 18-person dorm room. Evening, getting to know each other. Sweet Romanian girl sitting next to him, she was leaning in, they’re flirting a bit.

A bunch of guys enter down in the courtyard, yelling. Three norwegian guys, super loud/alpha. Girls go scurrying over to the window, “what’s going on?” Dudes are yelling up “hey!” The ringleader guy pulls himself up by the window ledge, the girls are freaking out, and comes in the room, stands right up in the middle of their circle, the focus is all on him.

Nick’s sweet Romanian girl starts drifting toward the new guy. Nick just thinks, “son-of-a-bitch. There goes my beautiful perfect vacation.”

He finds himself at a crossroads. What to do?

• First impulse: Feel sorry for himself. Get pissed, shut mouth, slink away, “screw these people.”
• Second impulse: “I’ll show this guy.” Show that he’s ten times as entertaining/funny. “I’ll show how great I am.” Ego. Try to be bigger center of attention. Girls would have gotten turned off by the dick measuring contest. Nick decided not to play the guy’s game.

What did he do instead?

Became his biggest cheerleader. Anytime the guy told a story, “No way! That’s awesome. What was that like? I’ve never done anything that cool. Sweet!” Validating the guy.

Nick wasn’t holding himself out of the conversation. Wasn’t trying to one-up him either. He was very much a part of that conversation. But Nick let the guy keep the spotlight.

(More on this story later)

Defining the “Masculine Role” In a Conversation

10:17

So this is what Nick thinks the masculine role in a conversation is. Not “woe is me” or to constantly be the center of attention.

The masculine role: set the framework and stage, and then provide validation. TO provide your own source of “I like this, that’s awesome, eh, not so much that.”

11:00

Key point: DO I WANT TO BE THE JESTER OR DO I WANT TO BE THE KING?

11:30

Two biggest thing people screw up in conversations (besides body language):

• Not doing anything, holding themselves out of convo/group.
• Trying to make themselves the center of attention. “Look how funny/charismatic I am.”

13:13

“It’s much better to be interested than interesting.”

13:30

• Get her talking as much as possible.
• Make her feel good about it when she does.

Nick starts conversations with “hey, how’s it going?” It’s just your job to just start the conversation and to see what SHE has to offer. (He’ll talk more about specifics down the line.)

If you go in trying to impress her, you’re going to fall flat.

How to Get a Woman Talking

14:25

How do you get a woman talking? Several ways. (He mentions body language, which he says is important but leaves it out because it’s its own discussion.)

1. Ask a question. They respond. The problem with questions is, it’s too easy–everyone does them, they’re overused. Falling into “interview mode.” Bad bad bad. If you ever feel like you’re doing too much work in the conversation, you’re doing too much work in the conversation. You’re taking the feminine role and not the masculine role. As long as you do things that way, you’re always going to do tons of work with nothing in return. The questions aren’t about interviewing her, they’re about creating a vibe of figuring her out. (Control+F to 23:25 for his favorite specific questions)
2. “Teaching her how to have a conversation.” Why? Especially younger women. They’re used to having guys tackle the above and do all the work, be the jester, etc. And how does a conversation work? You start it, you get the ball rolling, you serve her the ping pong ball–but she should hit it back! Women should be doing the majority of the talking. They’re often not even given this opportunity by men. (Skip to 18:35 for this section)
3. Active listening. Three sub-techniques here: buffering/overly empathetic child, relating/personalizing, following the trail of bread crumbs. All are explained below. Two techniques; buffering/overly empathetic and relating/personalizing. (Skip to 28:30 or so for more info on this one)

4. Give her validation in the form of sexual interest. (37:30)

5. What to do when she’s not responding. (42:00)

18:35

“Teaching Her How to Have a Conversation”

A moment of truth in the conversation: The first lull.

That first lull, he calls it the moment of truth. That’s when she’s going to find out what kind of man you are. It’s not easy. It’s tempting to just rush in and say something to avoid awkwardness. We’ve all done that. DON’T DO IT! She’s gonna know “just another one of those guys.” Moment of truth.

So what should you do?

20:05

You employ “shame.” You make her feel social pressure or “shame.” In that moment when there’s a lull and you’re nervous, most guys are used to putting the shame on themselves. “I have to keep this going! What should I do next?”

Why? It’s not YOUR job. It’s BOTH of your jobs. A conversation is a collective effort. Take her off the pedestal.

21:02

At that moment of truth, take a deep breath. You’re a man, you can take it. He did his part in the convo, he put in his effort…now it’s her turn.

21:30

What Nick does at the moment of truth. IF THERE’S ONE THING YOU GUYS SHOULD DO, Nick says, AFTER LISTENING TO THIS, THIS IS IT. When you have the lull and you’re nervous…

…look her right in the eye and just get an expression on your face that says… “well? Whaddya got?” Most of the time, she’ll jump to fill the lull.

Then he knows it’s “on.” He gets a big smile and rewards her. “Nice question” or something. 75%-80% of the time, a woman will fill in that first lull if you give her the space. Doesn’t always happen.

23:25

Sometimes girls just aren’t in a good mood. Any response you get from another human: 60/40. 60% is them, the other 40% is you. The mood they’re in etc.

What does he do in situations where it doesn’t happen? He’ll give her a second chance. He’ll wait during the lull…and if she just won’t respond, he’ll show it doesn’t bother him, stay relaxed. “So…what do you think about X.”

His main questions. Doesn’t ask a lot:

• Hey, what’s going on / what are you guys up to. First lull.
• So…where you from? (With body language like…all right, I’ll make this conversation happen) Should I visit / nostalgia / etc. Really boring question but easy to get deep.
• So, do you come here often? (Almost mocking the conversation). Boring question. Not trying to work hard. Hanging out, seeing what she’s got, that’s the vibe. That’s why the questions can be boring–the vibe is you’re feeling her out, not trying to fill airtime.

26:50

After a second lull, he’s going to turn up the volume. He’ll give off a vibe of “do you know how conversations work?”

They’ll go “oh okay, it’s my turn to contribute.”

If she STILL doesn’t, he might just say goodbye at that point…but if she deserves a third chance, he dials it up. Like, a vibe of, “are you a human who’s talked to humans before?”

Active Listening

28:15

How ELSE do you get her talking?

Listen. Be present with her. Don’t think about what you’re going to say next, just be fascinated. Simple, but no one does it.

Techniques for this (30:27)

• “Buffering.” Instead of just saying something else, you just say “…really?” or “is that right?” Leave a pause. Gives you time to think and lets them talk more about it. But guys just became buffering robots, and that’s all they did “Really, so interesting?” and lost its luster. So new way of describing buffering: OVERLY EMPATHETIC CHILD. Watch how kids listen to story. The kid has no agenda socially.

IF THERE’s A SECOND THING HE WANTS YOU TO DO, BE THE OVERLY EMPATHETIC CHILD. Like, be with her fully.

• don’t be fake. Overcompensate for your tendency to lock up socially.

33:48

Few things will turn on a woman more than when she’s getting genuine strong attention from a man.

• Second technique for being present: relating and personalizing. Relating your own personal experience. Personalizing, asking more about how she felt, etc., more personal questions about the experience.

Here’s the secret to this stuff: it requires NO EFFORT. The only EFFORT that I’m ever doing in a conversation

36:12

Third technique for active listening.

“Following the trail of bread crumbs.”

Simple: women will tell you what they wanna talk about next, if you’re paying attention. Take the easy lay-ups that they give you. Don’t try to be fancy.

If she says “yeah, it was ufn, but then I had to stopp…” you go, “why did you have to stop?”

“I had some family stuff going on and my heart wasn’t in it.” “Why wasn’t your heart in it?”

etc.

37:30

Reciprocate Her Interest

Another way that’s ridiculously powerful. Give her validation in the form of sexual interest. She’s a girl; she wants to feel desired by a man.

When she starts giving off signals that she’s interested in you:

• She’s holding eye contact
• Is she filling in the conversation lulls
• She gets a real smile on her face, a genuine smile.
• She points her hips at you. Watch the hips!

IF YOU DON’T RESPOND WITH INTEREST AS WELL (assuming this means to respond with the same signals), you’re basically telling them, “thanks but no thanks.” Either you’re not into her or not confident enough to do anything. She’ll move on.

Gotta display your sexual interest for her through body language.

41:00

If I’m doing all that, that’s really it.

The majority of guys are messing it up for themselves. Doing all the talking, trying to impress her. Triggers the “another one of those guys” type thoughts.

But if you’re strong, looks her in the eye, shows that he’s comfortable touching her / being close to her, not afraid of her, expecting her to contribute to conversation, actually listening to her, just no agenda totally tuned in…etc…ask a girl how many guys actually do that. They say they NEVER see those guys. So when they do, they go “oh…one of THOSE guys. I LIKE those guys.”

What to Do When She’s Not Responding

42:00

What happens if she’s not as receptive? There are always situations where you’re off or she’s off, what do you do? How to handle rejection?

Couple of verbal things:

• Self-amusing, spicing up conversation. Have to entertain self because she won’t do it. Be playfully challenging. Whatever she says, “I went to Harvard.” “No you didn’t. You’re such a liar. I don’t believe you at all.” with a smile. A vibe of “I refuse to believe you’re that cool.”
• Playfully disagreeing. Any opinion she says, “I love those guys.” “Ugh, I hate those guys.” “What?” “Ah, I don’t even konw who you’re talking about.” Or if she says “that sucks!” “What are you talking about? My dad and I used to do that?” “OMG I”m sorry.” “I’m just playing with you.” Or if she says something, just go “you’re blank.” “That’s stupid.” “You’re stupid.”
• Fauxmance and playful disinterest. Two sides of the same coin. Over-the-top romance. “I got these new boots.” “Those are sexy rain boots, I love rain boots,” playful. Other side of that coin. Pretend rejection for something you don’t like. “You’re from Ohio? Uck.” (he’s from Michigan)

46:55

When you just get an outright rejection or whatever, or the lullls keep going and it’s just dead wood, nothing there…

…very, very important that you do a WARM GOODBYE.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=b-a1jXgAsQI#t=2830

Watch him do it.

Important number of reasons:

• Save a chance with that girl. If she’s in a funk she might go “oh, that guy was actually not so bad…I was the out of sync one there.”
• Every other girl in that place is watching you. They are. “How does it go?” They’re going to be judging that interaction. So end it on a successful note. If you slink away, other girls are gonna see “that guy just got SHOT DOWN HARD.” Instead, with a warm goodbye, they’ll be like “oh, this guy’s cool and social, those girls are just being icy. Oh, those are the icy girls.”
• Do it for YOU. You’re saying “no, I’m not ending it on your terms.” You’re the king, not the jester. You’re ending it on your terms. You’re kind of rejecting her. You walk away a little bit taller. “It’s magical, I promise you.”

Nick’s Amsterdam Story, Part 2

51:00

He’s giving the Amsterdam guy validation. Being genuinely interest, not effing with him. The guy’s getting excited that he’s getting all this validation.

Then, Nick started leaning back a little bit.

Talking less, and less…and now everyone else was leaning back. The center of attention was now giving Nick his attention, so Nick dominated the conversation again and slowly withdrew his validation.

The sweet Romanian girl cuddled back up next to him. Nick turns to her, “wanna go grab a beer?”

Got out, grabbed a beer with her, had a great time. That simple.

THREE MAJOR TAKEAWAYS HE SPECIFICALLY MENTIONS YOU TO REMEMBER:

1. When a lull in the conversation happens, look at her like, “well?” A conversation is a two-way street, guys, and if you set up the expectation that you’re the only one who’s going to talk, you’re going to be doing all the work.
2. Be the “overly empathetic child.” No agenda, just listening.
3. The “warm goodbye.” See above, and watch it on YouTube.